Saturday, September 17, 2005

How You Eating Your Bacon?

How you eating your bacon?

In a Spinach salad! From Trader Joe's! Now, I'm no fan of this pre- packaged salad bacon craze that allthe kids with their ipods squawk about. But to their credit, TJ's put a LOT of bacon in there. They don't skimp. This salad has over 110% of your USRDA of fat. So pipe down, Tubby - you'll get your fill.
Here's how it arrives: The bacon is being hidden under the wrapper - but look at all that cheese you get too!

And who's that? Why, it's our old friend egg. How I love you, egg. When egg's around, bacon can't be far behind.

The major problem with the TJ B&SS is that the bacon has no crispness at all. How could it? A proper spinach salad comes to your table a little cooled, and then wait-staff brings a sizzling skillet up behind you, and drops all that crackling bacon onto your greens right in front of you. So hot! So crisp... Still, I have to go to work and I can't eat lunch at Musso & Frank's everyday. So here's whatcha do.

Unwrap the salad at home, and carefully scoop out all of the bacon. You'll find much of it in "chunks;" quite nice - very meaty. Scatter it all about on a piece of foil and put in your toaster oven. 400 degrees. Now have a cup of coffee and take a glance over the morning paper.

...those poor bastards in new, George Bush fucking hates the blacks...

Let's check in: Ooh, that's what we like to see. The precious juices have uncongealed and are bubbling and sizzling nicely. Go ahead and scoop off the fully cooked bacon back into your salad. If there are particulaly fatty bits that still look like they could be rendered some more, put those back in for another couple of minutes.

You have now taken a passable lunch and turned into something finer. It's still no two hour wine-fueled afternoon at The Ivy, but hey - my expense account is no longer what it used to be.

Look, I'm the last person to tell that this is how life should be lived. I should be out traveling the world, spreading the word on the world's best meat like some sort of Johnny Apple-smoked-bacon-seed. I should be at a Thai restaurant pointing out that their menu has no bacon products, and mayube we could whip up some sort of thic-cut bacon in a red coconut-curry with chilis and fried tofu dish. But that's ok for now.

In the meantime we've created a nice little pork-laced lunch that will get us through the day. If you can, I suggest a nice big glass of cabernet to go along with this, and maybe a big piece of crusty bread with some olive oil (No sourdough you fuckers).

Finally, I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that in 30 years people will ask us "Where were you when that Texan retard was ruining the country? Why weren't you part of the resistance?" And to that I'd say, "Blow me. I live in California. We're liberal. We don't even want to be part of the U.S. But we elected the world's worst actor to be our governor. AGAIN! I mean, we HAD the world's worst actor as a governor 30 years earlier, and look what happened! In other words, we've got our own fish to fry. You can't expect us to come save your country. Our beach houses need water-proofing, and we've got quality TV shows and movies to put together out here. Let Minnesota deal with it. They've got nothing else going on."


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