Monday, January 30, 2006

More from iTunes celebrity playlists

The first song on Russel Crowe's playlist is by Russel Crowe.

The second to last song on (lil') Bow Wow's playlist is by (lil') Bow Wow.

The second to last song on Eric Idle's playlist is by Eric Idle.

The first, ninth, and last songs on Mariah Carey's playlist are by Mariah Carey.

Five of the 13 songs on William Shatner's playlist are by William Shatner.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

More hobo action

The unseasonably warm weather must be bringing the hobos out of hibernation early this year, as there have been many recent noteworthy sitings. I transcribe here, as near to verbatim as possible, the hobo monologue I was witness to today:

Today gonna be HOT New York! Hot! At least 187 degrees! Damn, gonna be hot. Soles gonna melt right off your shoes New York. That's why Ima get in my submarine. Got me a submarine right there in the Hudson river. Gonna be nice and cool in my submarine. HOT today New York! And you know, New York is number one in the countryfor women beaters? That's right. Reminds me of when I had dinner with Mohammed Ali. That's right, people wanna tell me what to do- I smack you right in the face. So ladies, here's some tips if you got an abusive husband. Number one, make him a nice dinner. The, when he go to sleep, pour gasoline all over the bedroom and take off the doorknobs. Throw in a match and burn his ass up! Or go to the store and get you some clorox and some amonia. Don't just put 'em together. NO! You gotta use a jar people! Then you throw it in his face. That clorox and amonia the gonna produce sulphuric acid. Burn his face. If you can't do it yourself, go to my website. We got a team of people that'll take care of it for you. Real man don't smakc they girlfriend and talk to them like they a robot! I'm looking forward to seeing these tips in the newspaper, maybe by Monday. OOOOOOOHHHHHHHH!

Record Collection Conundrums

Number of Sonic Youth Albums Owned: 18
Last time I thought, "Hmm. I really want to listen to a Sonic Youth album:" At least 12 years ago. And quite possibly never.

Morrissey: 7
Van Morrison: 15

Friday, January 27, 2006

Quotes and Selections from Sharon Stone's Celebrity Playlist on iTunes:

"Fucking You Tonight" - Notorious B.I.G. And R. Kelly: "For me, Biggie Smalls was the most talented rap musician/composer ever. That's it."

"I'd Rather Go Blind" - Etta James: "This is the way I feel the blues."

"Spirit in the Dark" - Aretha Franklin: "Aretha came from the church, so she learned to sing from her soul for real."

Jerry Bruckheimer Celebrity Playlist selection:

"Disco Inferno" - 50 Cent: "50 is a master of blending rhythm and melody. Another hit."

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Excellent Photos of German Actors and Directors: Part Funf!

We haven't had a new photo of a crazy German entertainer in a while. And while Blixa Bargeld might not exactly be an actor, he has done some ausgezeichnet tv commericals.

Here's Blixa with a napkin on his head lightin' up a smoke. Good for him.

And here he is squatting.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Hobo double header

I was hit with a real one-two hobo punch yesterday. First one was as I was walking to the train at about 9pm. Ahead of me I see a very large hobo wearing the traditional multiple layers of coats and trousers. There was, in fact, very little to distinguish him from your average run of the mill hobo. Except of course that he has wearing a woman's leather purse around his neck. This may not sound that odd, I mean everyone needs something to carry their gear in right? Difference was that this purse had very short sturdy handles and was placed around his neck in such a way that the manner in whihc it could be removed was not immediately obvious. Indeed, I am puzzled as to how he got it there in the first place. Imagine a short handled, expensive looking purse secured just underneath his chin and you've got the picture. He was also just standing in on place grinning maniacally.

The second encounter occured scant minutes later when I boarded the train. As the train pulled into the station I was disappointed to see that most of the cars were quite full. After having resigned myself to standing most of the way home I was pleased to find that the car that stopped in front of me was essentially empty. Pleased with my good fortune I boarded the train an looked forward to a relaxing ride home. However, no sooner had I taken my seat and the doors closed did I realize the reason for the lack of passengers in this particular car. As the doors closed, sealing my fate, I was assailed by the most overpowering reek of human feces. Glancing down the car I saw a man of the road (or in this case, rails) who had evidently been unable to disembark in order to use the facilities, presumably because he was unconscious. The seat back appeared to have been the site of a chocolate milkshake-related disaster; as if the hobo had sat down on a ballon full of pudding which had exploded up the seat behind him then promptly passed out. I think I would have preferred to stand.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

New Vegas Show To Open To Combine All The Fun Of Backgammon Mixed With The Entertainment of A Follie Bonanza

What does that even mean? Now, I loves me some backgammon. But I am a little baffled by the press release I found that promises to combine Vegas glitz with everyone's favorite middle eastern gambling past-time.

It reads confusingly thusly:
"A new show will be launching on the Vegas Strip in March that will be a revolutionary concept in the world of skill gaming and old time musical productions.
"Audience participation will be encouraged and free money will be given to selected spectators to join in with the on stage frolics. The set will be a mammoth backgammon board and the story will be based around a multi million dollar backgammon championship. The twist, however, is that every night audience members will play the game using the cast as the backgammon checker pieces. “With the backgammon boom in its very earliest stages the time is ripe to launch such an extravaganza.” The name of the production will be Gammon Stakes. "

That's so crazy it just might work! Oh wait- I mean, that's so crazy it's certain to fail.

Advertising and sponsorship opportunities may be possible, says the press release. Well, I'm sure they're just waiting to hear from their pals here at backgammonmotherfucker.

Focus on nutrition

A boy who existed on a diet of chips, toast and beans died of malnutrition, aged just 20:

Obviously, if he had added bacon to that mix he would have been just fine.

Funny bits: "Scott Martin's poor diet damaged his liver so badly he ended up with severe liver disease. He bled to death on Christmas Eve after suffering medical complications after an operation to remove three infected teeth. Doctors said a liver transplant might save his life but he was scared to have one. Scott would eat only white sliced bread, fast food french fries, and the occasional plate of baked beans. He hated foreign food, and refused to eat fresh fruit or vegetables.
His dreadful diet damaged him so badly he developed cirrhosis – a condition more commonly seen in hardened drinkers. Scott's teeth were removed but he never recovered and his family watched as he bled to death on Christmas Eve."

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Daily fantasy art

"I'm king of the world"

Monday, January 16, 2006

it rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again

"I Understand the Anger People Feel"

Seantor John McCain, frequently the wet dream of Democrats who feel they couldn't win a presidential election against Terri Schaivo, stepped to the plate on the US bombing of a small village in Pakistan to kill an Al-Qaeda operative (they missed - he never showed up for dinner. Faulty intellgence I guess.)

18 people were killed in the US Airstrike, including 6 children.


"I can't tell you that we wouldn't do the same thing again." Said McCain. But he does "understand the anger people feel." Well, that's nice. Empathy is half the battle.

McCain also said: "This war on terror has no boundaries. We have to go where these people are and we have to take them out." So look out London, Paris suburbs, Detroit, Artesia California: You may be next!

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Today In Bacon

With mammoth implications for restaurants that serve a full Irish breakfast, Taiwan shocked - yea I say SHOCKED - the world by unveiling green pigs.

The pigs are not only greenish in snout, with an eye greener than that of any lepruchan, but they glow - yea I saw GLOW - bright green in the dark when a bluish light is shone on them. While there was strangely no direct mention of bacon in the BBC article, that is of course what our chief concern is about.

The green hue is from splicing jellyfish genes into the pig embryos of course, which could be some cause for alarm if the bacon now contains stinging sub-umbrellar tentacles. We would immediately have to alter the odds of dying by jellyfish sting.

On the other hand, we are of course already wondering if the converse may be true: For example, could we harvest bacon directly from Jellyfish - Yea I saw FROM THE JELLYFISH?

In the interest of speeding this scientific process, I have provided the following diagram: This Old Ones friendly bacon processing scheme I have dubbed "Baco-Cthuhlu" and i expect for the wiley Asians to begin work on this immediately. Let me know when it's ready and i'll tell you where to send the checks.

Crazy Beliefs Not Limited to Religion

Getting Rich the American Way! Lotto Tickets & Insurance Settlements!

More than one in five Americans believe the best way to get rich is to win the lottery, while 11 percent say inheriting money is the way to go, a survey showed on Monday.

Asked the most practical way to accumulate "several hundred thousand dollars," 21 percent chose winning the lottery, compared to 55 percent who thought saving something each month for many years was best. Three percent of those surveyed thought a big insurance settlement was the best way to become wealthy. The poor were the most likely to say winning the lottery was the most practical way to gain wealth -- with 38 percent of those earning less than $25,000 a year choosing that option. 16 percent said that winning the lottery was a very important wealth-building strategy for all Americans,

African Americans and those over the age of 65 were also more likely to believe winning the lottery was more practical than saving each month -- at 30 percent and 31 percent, respectively.

Nearly 1 in 10 households had zero net wealth -- meaning their debt exceeded their assets.

Financial planners believe half of young Americans could accumulate $1 million over a period of 30 years, but fewer than 1 in 10 Americans believe they could save that much money. "Planners know that it is easier for individuals to build personal wealth than they realize," said James Barnash, chair of the Financial Planning Association.

Obviously, a lot of these poor, elderly, and blacks have closely studied hypergeometric distribution, which puts the odds of winning the lottery at a 1 in 80 million to 1 in 146 million, and they have decided those odds look pretty dern good.

Odds of dying from fireworks: 1 in 744,564
Odds of dying from contact with venomous spiders: 1 in 372,498
Odds of dying from contact with hornets, wasps and bees: 1 in 68,981
Odds of dying from being caught between objects: 1 in 32,391

Now here's a god I could get behind

God angry/impotent to stop crushing of followers/does not exist

In a bad day for god, at least 345 people have been killed in a stampede during a symbolic stoning ritual at the annual Haj pilgrimage in Saudi Arabia, according to the country's health ministry. The rammifications of this sad news are huge and give us the following three options:

1. God is angry with the filthy muslims for worshiping mohammed and not accepting christ as their personal saviour. In this case, god is obviously not kind and compassionate, but cruel, petty and vengeful, punishing those who were likely never exposed to christian theology.

2. God is unable to prevent the painful crushing to death of hundreds of his followers. If he can't stop the most devoted of his believers from being squashed beneath the sandals of his other most devoted believers he's not much of a god now, is he?

3. The deaths of the pilgrims were a tragic accident caused by poor crowd control. God was invented by early man to explain aspects of the universe that were hard to understand given the state of technology several thousand years ago. God is in fact a man-made construct that made our ancestors feel a little better about their relatively insignificant role in the cosmos and also helped to explain why they occasionally got eaten by bears.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

It's Rod Stewart's Birthday

"Rarely has a singer had as full and unique a talent as Rod Stewart; rarely has anyone betrayed his talent so completely. Once the most compassionate presence in music, he has become a bilious self-parody—and sells more records than ever." - Rolling Stone, 1980

So true.

Yet in the space of five years - 1970 to 1974 - Stewart made TEN studio albums. He put out five solo albums, four albums with The Faces, and another with the Jeff Beck Group. All are good. He also toured like mad.

Whatever the enormity of the sins he's committed since then, and they are legion, there is no better rock vocalist than Rod Stewart in his prime.

We are therefore bringing back one of my favorite things ever: Brandon Bird's painting. Of Rod Stewart. Dressed as a stormtrooper.

Lest We Forget

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Malawi Today: Overpopulation

Recently we linked to Paul Theroux's excellent editorial against Bono and Bill Gates sending computers to Africans nations and forgiving debts of these nations (which helps the corrupt govts.) while ignoring simpler, less Microsoft-oriented solutions. That editorial got reprinted at the Times of London here.

It also got letters to the Times in response; among them comparisons to Ireland's famine: "The main cause of Malawi’s plight: overpopulation. In the 40 years since he (Theroux) was a volunteer worker there, the population has quadrupled. No wonder the forests have been destroyed and the environment degraded.

"At the beginning of the 19th century Ireland was going the same way, with a mainly peasant population of 8m, the numbers nearly halving by 1950. The total now stands at about 5.5m, giving it a density of 58 people per square kilometre. The equivalent figure for Malawi is 103, with little industry and without the support of the common agricultural policy. If the Irish population had grown as fast, it would now stand at 13m and the republic would be in dire trouble without emigration."

Another letter claims that Africans lack moral values and any kind of work ethic. Another says AIDS is part of the main problem: "
Malawi’s GDP per head was the same as South Korea’s in the 1960s, now it is among the 10 poorest nations. The collapse of the market for its main product, tobacco, and the effect of HIV/Aids, which now affects 11% of the population, have had a much greater impact on the economy than either the emigration or bad governance identified by Theroux."

See earlier January posts for more of god's scorn - and other supernatural doings - heaped upon Malawi.

Note to self

Buy more jerky on the way home.

Daily fantasy art

By the way, I watched the Frank Frazetta documentary "Painting with Fire" over the weekend. He refers to himself, himself mind you, as "the most influential artist of the second half of the 20th century". Plus he can throw a baseball further than anyone else in Brooklyn, has a huge googley right eye, and dares anyone to "try and do it better than me. Just try".

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Hey Kids. How's these prizes?

Friday, January 06, 2006

I have a Dream...

And it involves bullets, a three level pinball machine that takes Irish dimes, robot toys that are actually alive - and pissed off - and a nameless model who demands to know if she has appeared on Access Hollywood with Matt Damon before. (Damon was really good in Syriana by the way.)
I had another dream: We went outside to see if there was a skunk in the yard. Outside was a city street. We were startled to see a large grey bear walking down the sidewalk. Then he stood up and walked upright. Then he opened the door to a building and walked in.

Happy MLK Day everybody!

Thursday, January 05, 2006

New Year, Same Fuckwit

"On the other hand, we'll continue to work on the security situation there,'' Bush said. ''We're making darn good progress.''

In Ramadi, 80 people were killed and dozens wounded when a bomber detonated near an Iraqi police recruitment and screening drive.

A blast in Karbala, a Shiite holy city, killed 45 people and wounded dozens more on Thursday morning in a pedestrian mall that runs between the Imam Hussien and Imam Abbas holy shrines.

In central Baquba, four police officers were killed and another four were wounded about 9 a.m. when insurgents ambushed a police patrol using small arms fire, authorities said.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Judge demands Priest proves God Exists. God should pop by any minute now...

AN ITALIAN judge has ordered a priest to appear in court this month to prove that Jesus Christ existed.

The case against Father Enrico Righi has been brought in the town of Viterbo, north of Rome, by Luigi Cascioli, a retired agronomist who once studied for the priesthood but later became a militant atheist.

Signor Cascioli, author of a book called The Fable of Christ, began legal proceedings against Father Righi three years ago after the priest denounced Signor Cascioli in the parish newsletter for questioning Christ’s historical existence.

Signor Cascioli’s contention — echoed in numerous atheist books and internet sites — is that there was no reliable evidence that Jesus lived and died in 1st-century Palestine apart from the Gospel accounts, which Christians took on faith. There is therefore no basis for Christianity, he claims.

Signor Cascioli’s one-man campaign came to a head at a court hearing last April when he lodged his accusations of “abuse of popular credulity” and “impersonation”, both offences under the Italian penal code. He argued that all claims for the existence of Jesus from sources other than the Bible stem from authors who lived “after the time of the hypothetical Jesus” and were therefore not reliable witnesses.

Signor Cascioli maintains that early Christian writers confused Jesus with John of Gamala, an anti-Roman Jewish insurgent in 1st-century Palestine. Church authorities were therefore guilty of “substitution of persons”.

The Roman historians Tacitus and Suetonius mention a “Christus” or “Chrestus”, but were writing “well after the life of the purported Jesus” and were relying on hearsay.

Father Righi said there was overwhelming testimony to Christ’s existence in religious and secular texts. Millions had in any case believed in Christ as both man and Son of God for 2,000 years.

“If Cascioli does not see the sun in the sky at midday, he cannot sue me because I see it and he does not,” Father Righi said.

Signor Cascioli said that the Gospels themselves were full of inconsistencies and did not agree on the names of the 12 apostles. He said that he would withdraw his legal action if Father Righi came up with irrefutable proof of Christ’s existence by the end of the month.

The Vatican has so far declined to comment.

Malawi Today: FLOOD!

God decided to kick Malawi in the balls again today (There couldn't possibly be any actual rational reason for a country plagued by drought, vampires, army worms, ghosts, corruption, Chinese cannibals and starvation.)

Thousands Displaced by Malawi Flooding

LILONGWE, Malawi, Jan. 4 -- Malawi, in the grips of a severe drought, has been hit by flash flooding in its southern region, displacing more than 40,000 people.

The floods have washed away houses, livestock and crops of farming families in the lower Shire Valley, reports the BBC.

Some 5 million people in the southern African nation east of Zambia face food shortages caused by the worst drought in more than a decade, the report said.

Aid agencies say the floods have hampered relief efforts. The rising waters also have cut off communication with other villages in the area.

Weather experts said more rains are expected in the coming weeks.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Malawi Today: Army Worms Destory Crops

An outbreak of army worms have destroyed growing crops in Malawi, which is facing a food crisis and drought. Pesticides that expired in 1999 don't seem to help matters much.

Blantyre, Malawi, 01/03 - An outbreak of army worms in Malawi`s central lakeshore district of Salima, some 100-km east of the capital, Lilongwe, could compound the country`s already biting food crisis, a senior agriculture scientist said Monday.

Shira Kang`ombe, the Salima Agriculture Development Officer, said the worms had already destroyed over 400 hectares of maize seedlings in the district.

"The army worms have completely destroyed the maize that had germinated quite promisingly," she said, adding: "There will be tragedy if farmers do not replant."

Salima is among Malawi districts worst hit by food crisis with some villagers now surviving on bamboo seeds.

Kang`ombe said most of the crops attacked by the worms were planted with seeds procured through a government-subsidy programme.

Most farmers have complained that the pesticide they were given to control the outbreak has been ineffective.

Kang`ombe confirmed that the lifespan of the pesticide - Dorsban - had expired in 1999.

"The only pesticides we have is Dorsban but (it`s shelve life) expired in 1999. It can only work if the dosage is doubled," she said, explaining however, that farmers could buy another pesticide - Cymecegin - from the shops.

Army worms are caterpillar variant of moths, which defoliate crops within a short time resulting in the loss of chlorophyll which is important for the healthy growth of crops.

Malawi is among the six southern African countries facing acute food shortage following prolonged drought that cut production of maize, the country`s staple by 24 percent.

According to the UN World Food Programme, at least five million Malawians are in urgent need of food aid.

Worst Music of 2005

I hate that some magazines make lists of the "Worst" albums of the year along side their picks for the "Best" albums of the year. Too often these fools go after really easy targets: Did Air Supply try to put out a new album - 20+ years after they were huge? Yeah, they did. But you didn't buy it - you didn't even know about it. No one did except ten big Air Supply fans. So why are you singling them out as "Worst" of 05? They weren't hurting anyone. The real villains are the ones we're subjected to - the horrible horrible music that we actually have to listen to if we dare turn on the radio or walk in a record store. You want the worst music of 2005? It's on MTV's Most Requested every single day.

My picks (All of these are nominated for Grammys this year).:

1.Mariah Carey. Have we learned nothing from our past sins? Apparently not. I thought she was dead ten years ago. No, you people can't get enough of idiocy, screeching and her gigantic tits. Good for you.

2. Kanye West. Don't buy the hype. It's still rap music, and like 99% of rap music other than Public Enemy and Ice Cube albums from the early 90s, it blows. Lyrics for Kanye's big hit: "My psychic told me she have a ass like Serena/Trina, Jennifer Lopez, four kids/An i gotta take all they bad ass to show-biz/Ok get ya kids but then they got their friends/I Pulled up in the Benz, they all got up In/We all went to Den and then I had to pay/If you fuckin with this girl then you betta be payed." Yeah yeah... Women are whores. I know. TLC told me so like 8 years ago. And having actors from In Living Color as your back-up singer doesn't help either.

3. Paul McCartney. Do I hear a new song as good on the radio as Band on the Run or Jet? No. No I do not. In fact, radio wont touch Paul with a ten foot pole. He hasn't had a song chart since he teamed up with Michael Jackson. Yet they give him Grammy nods 'cuz George and John are dead. Good job - you survived. Here's an award.

4. The Black Eyed Peas. The most embarrassing piece of music of 2005. Why aren't women pissed off about this shit? Another huge hit about the joys of being a whore. To reprint the lyrics of their hit "My Hump" would just be too demeaning to us all.

Dark Ages are a-comin'.