Friday, September 29, 2006

Sexy Florida Republican Congressman Resigns Over Sexy Emails to Sexy 16 Year Old Republican Rent Boy Page

WASHINGTON (AP) -- Rep. Mark Foley, R-Fla., resigned from Congress on Friday, effective immediately, in the wake of questions about e-mails he wrote a former teenage male page. Foley, 52, had been a shoo-in for a new term until the e-mail correspondence surfaced in recent days.

Foley e-mailed the page in August 2005. The page had worked for Rep. Rodney Alexander, R-La., and Foley asked him how he was doing after Hurricane Katrina and what he wanted for his birthday. The congressman also asked the boy to send a photo of himself.

Foley's aides initially blamed Democratic rival Tim Mahoney and Democrats with attempting to smear the congressman before the election.

The boy said Foley asked for his e-mail when the boy gave him a thank you card. The boy also said Foley wrote that he e-mailed another page.

''He's such a nice guy,'' Foley wrote about the other boy. ''acts much older than his age...and hes in really great shape...i am just finished riding my bike on a 25 mile journey now heading to the gym...whats school like for you this year?''

In other e-mails, Foley wrote, ''I am back in Florida now...its nice here...been raining sounds like you will have some fun over the next few old are you now?'' and ''how are you weathering the hurricane...are you safe...send me an email pic of you as well.''

Foley was a member of the Republican leadership, serving as a deputy whip. He also was a member of the House Ways and Means Committee and chairman of the Congressional Missing and Exploited Children's Caucus.

Florida Republican Party Chairwoman Carole Jean Jordan said ''Congressman Foley served as my congressman. He's given a great deal of time and effort and extreme good hard work to the state of Florida. I just so appreciate all the things he's done over the years.''

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Wer kämpft Frankenstein gegen heute?

More Reasons Not to Fly

Passenger On Plane Fought Man Who Smelled

Authorities said a fight broke out on board a flight arriving at Miami Wednesday. American Airlines Flight 918 was en route to Miami from Lima, Peru, when, according to the FBI, a 56-year-old Japanese man and a 20-year-old man got into an altercation.

The FBI said that about two hours before the flight was scheduled to land, the Japanese man elbowed the passenger sitting next to him. Federal authorities said the Japanese man didn't think the passenger should be using an iPod in flight and complained that he smelled. He then poured perfume on the man, poured water on himself and vomited in the aisle, authorities said.
I once sat next to a kid who smelled AND vomited. Then his dad (who also smelled) stole his sandwich and ate it after the kid fell asleep.

Start your own christmas list with the Consumer's Catalog Showroom catalog

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

My New Record!

My Christmas List Starts Now

It was around this time every year that I'd start collecting massive Wish List catalogs from Sears, JC Penny, and various (horrible) Service Merchandise stores. Thus would begin my Ramadan: 90 days and 90 nights of fasting from brand new toys, waiting for Satana Claus to bring me the fucking loot.

I miss those tree-devouring 1500 page tomes of yore. I could quote them chapter and verse.

But I've put away childish things, and my tastes are oh so sophisticated now. I'm looking at you Bethge of Hamburg.

"Decadently luxurious backgammon set bound completely in calfskin from the case to the playing pieces to the shaker. For a truly indulgent game."

52x33x9,5 cm ca. 1.000 g
Material Calfskin

They also have a non-animal killing version made of wood and metal. In fact I like that one a little better, but it does double as a chess/checkers set as well; and that kind of multi-functionalism is something I refuse to put up with.

Chess indeed. What do I look like? A god-damned school teacher?

Checkers indeed. What do I look like? A god-damned hill-billy?

The final straw in the wood/metal set is that it costs a measly €890,00. What do I look like? A god-damned hobo scraping together guilders together to buy a backgammon set under 1.000,00 ?!

Still, here's what the cheap-o one looks like:

Very nice. Slap some KMFDM stickers on that metal box and we'll be on to something. Also of positive note: No handles on the metal box at all, which makes it extra hard for your valet to bring along to bars and club rooms. But that's what I pay him for. God-damn it.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Thor to smite Dawkins with hammer, Zeus promises lightning bolt, Jesus prepares nine-headed serpent, all to equal effect

While Richard Dawkins can come across lit a bit of a self-righteous, strident, toffee-nosed git, he makes a good point. Why don't we all give up on our invisible superheroes and try to be decent to each other? Link.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Mark Trail

It's Always Been Obvious They Hated Each Other

Friday, September 22, 2006

Mushagga Makaka!

Like a god-damned Christmas miracle, the Makaka-baiting, Confederate flag waving, good old boy Sen. George Allen revealed that he just discovered that he is actually Jewish! And to admit it on Rosh Hashanah! Well, praise Jesus!! What a wonderful day!

Like most southern gents (but not gentiles!) who love the traditions of the Dear Old South and put the Confederate flag all over their office and car, George Allen was born in Whittier California, and attended UCLA. Later he transferred to Virginny where he took up such Southern hobbies as chewin' tabbaccy and hatin' the negroes!

Like most Jewish people, George came from a big family, and his sister Jennifer detailed the fun they used to have in her memoir Fifth Quarter. Jennifer wrote that Allen attacked his younger siblings during his childhood. She claims that Allen held her by her feet over Niagara Falls, struck her boyfriend in the head with a pool cue, threw his brother Bruce through a glass sliding door, tackled his brother Gregory, breaking his collarbone, and dragged Jennifer upstairs by her hair. She wrote, "George hoped someday to become a dentist... George said he saw dentistry as a perfect profession - getting paid to make people suffer."

Like most Jewish people, Allen has displayed the Confederate flag - on himself, his car, inside his home - or expressed his enthusiastic approval of the emblem from approximately 1967 to 2000. Allen wore a Confederate flag pin for his high school senior class photo. In high school, college, and law school, Allen adorned his vehicle with a Confederate flag. In college he displayed a Confederate flag in his room. He displayed a Confederate flag in his family's living room until 1992.

Of course, Sen. Allen was thrilled to learn a few weeks ago that he was one of Chosen People: "I still had a ham sandwich for lunch, and my mother made great pork chops." Mazel Tov Senator Allen! We'll hold a place for you at temple, and have a happy 5767! I'm still writing 5766 on my checks...
More Senator Allen fun here: He called his football pal "Wizard," but not because they played D&D.

Thursday, September 21, 2006


Amazon's average review of the 40 customers that have already reviewed the DVD set of the First Season of Mama's Family, which has not even been released yet: * * * * * (5 stars)

Number of Iraqi civilians killed in July and August: 6,599.

NY Times on bacon

New York Times decides to look for groceries:


The leanest and densest supermarket bacon I found: it doesn't shrivel away when cooked, like the watery, fatty brands most producers put on the shelf. "That’s why we make it in Canada," said Louis Eni, the company's president. "The Canadian hog growers raise leaner breeds in a colder climate, and feed them less corn and more barley." Thick-cut, but not so thick it takes forever to cook, like many premium brands.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Goat Goat Oil

Sudan man forced to 'marry' goat

SUDAN - A Sudanese man has been forced to take a goat as his "wife", after he was caught having sex with the animal. The goat's owner, Mr Alifi, said he surprised the man with his goat and took him to a council of elders.

They ordered the man, Mr Tombe, to pay a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars ($50) to Mr Alifi. "We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together," Mr Alifi said.

Murder suspect: Goat turned into corpse

LAGOS, Nigeria - A Nigerian murder suspect accused of killing his brother with an axe told police investigators he actually attacked a goat, which was only later magically transformed into his sibling's corpse, officials said Thursday. The man offered police his explanation after his arrest on Tuesday in the death of his brother.

"He said that the goats were on his farm and he tried to chase them away. When one wouldn't move, he attacked it with an axe. He said it then turned into his brother," said Police Commissioner Udom Ekpoudom.

In Nigeria in 2001 eight people were burned to death after one person in their group was accused of making a bystander's penis magically disappear.

Indian village elders order trial by boiling oil

NEW DELHI (Reuters) - The leaders of a village in the Indian state of Rajasthan ordered 150 men to dip their hands into boiling oil to prove their innocence after food was stolen from a local school, a newspaper reported on Sunday.

In late August the school's principal informed police that rice and wheat had disappeared but no action was taken. The council of Ranpur village then decided to take the law into its own hands.

The 150 men from Ranpur and two neighbouring hamlets were told to pick a copper ring from a cauldron of boiling oil. The council elders then announced that the 50 who refused the order must be behind the crime. Many are now nursing their burns.

"We would have been ostracised had we refused. Out of fear all of us agreed. This is not the first time this has been done," said one 45-year-old man. He has now testified against the elders, who have been arrested.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Sad Sorry State of Effigies

You call that an Effigy?

Nothing gets a crowd all riled up more than a nice big effigy burning. In the past 5 years we've seen some very nice effigies of Bush, Cheney, Blair and various and sundry Jews burned around the world. They're clever constructions that play on Bush's big ears, Blair's teeth, and Cheney's hate-filled scowl.

So I was pretty excited that Muslims were getting all bent out of shape again over something nonsensical again; something like the pictures of Muhammed that unite them in fury against the Jews and Americans - except this time against the Pope; that's a bit of a twist. Apparently the Pope said something like "14th century Muslims can be violent." But the effigies seemed haphazard; sloppy, lazy even. Do the Muslims not know what the Pope looks like? It seems possible.Basra, Iraq - I didn't know you could burn German flags! This effigy looks nothing like the Pope, so they're trying to make sure we get the idea by burning the German flag too. Except we all know that when Ratzinger was serving his country back in the day that the German flag looked a little more... stylish than that, you know what I mean?

Ahh, there we go. Homemade too. He's a regular Betsy Ross.

Pakistan - What kind of Pope effigy was that? This looks like an effigy of Santa Claus or Dom Deluise. There's drawings on his legs, but I doubt they made him seem
any more Pope-esque.

Kashmir - They're not even trying here. An old cardigan sweater draped over his arms? Have the people of Kashmir ever seen a picture of any Pope? You can't kill him if you don't know what he's wearing or what he looks like. Geez, he might be right behind you. Still, bonus points for making his head some sort of green smoke bomb. Crowd seems really apathetic too.

India - India has about 120 million Mulsims, and for their effigy they set a tire on fire in the middle of a street? Wow. Not even anyone around yelling for the cameras. Allah is most displeased with your effigy. He told me so. You know that right after this picture was taken one of their trained elephants stamped out the fire with his feet.

This guy is totally the winner. We've got some sort of Logan's Run mask meets the Ku Klux Klan, which works for them, b/c they hate Jews too. There's a couple gays holding hands in the background which shows that they're not completely fundamental - they're ok with gays, they just really hate the Pope. Cool looking cross on the chest too. This looks almost exactly like my 6th grade Halloween costume except it was black and I had a foil-wrapped cardboard

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Great Moments in Backgammoning

It's a crisp October evening in 1971 and the Alpha Delta Phi Franternal Organization of Cornell is planning a party. The croquet mallets in the yard are wet with dew, and the stinging defeat in skulling suffered at the hands of Brown earlier in the day has been washed away in a round of afternoon gimlets.

Dinner jackets are donned, beards are groomed, and the prized backgammon boards of the House are ceremoniously brought out. The rattle of the bones against old leather and the gentle clack of Bakelite checkers act as a beacon to the pale blonde co-eds of the neighboring dormitory. They set down their volumes of Keats and Dickens and their experiments in lesbianism for the night to indulge in highballs, cigarettes, and a roll of the dice.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Are the Terrorists Shitting in Our Bagged Spinach?

Fun facts:

* People killed by eating E coli spinach since the first case was reported three weeks ago: 1

* People sickened by eating E coli spinach in the past three weeks: 90

* Average number of poeple sickened by spinach each day since the "outbreak" began: 3.9

* People in the US killed by heart disease today (which can be prevented by eating more spinach): 1,792

* People in the US killed by heart disease since the spinach outbreak started: 41,216

* Number of individual E. coli bacteria in the feces that one human passes in one day: between 100 billion and 10 trillion.

(Based on most recent CDC numbers from 2004. Actual number of heart disease deaths may be higher.)

Now, I love my bacon (I had four slices today at iHop - bacon was awful, but better than Quizno's), and I am hardly the healthiest eater in the world, but the crazy spinach-scare is ridiculous. I could write more about the evils of factory farming and cross-contamination from spreading untreated cow shit all over the food we grow , but why bother.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Priest Patrol

How You Eating Your Bacon?

On a medium sized Quizno's Honey Mustard Chicken sandwich (with bacon).

Weak parts of the sandwich:
-Honey Mustard

Oh yeah - I also got a cookie.
Also weak:
-The cookie

Lessons learned:
-Don't play with matches
-Combo deals are for suckers
-Don't order the honey mustard chicken sandiwch (with bacon) from Quizno's

Monday, September 11, 2006

Our most eloquent suspendered spokesmouth

"September 11, 2001 -- that date will inject our brains."

--Larry King

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Tribute To Steve Irwin: Everyone's Got To Go Sometime

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Sole survivor of airplane crash commits blasphemy

LEXINGTON, Kentucky (AP) -- The sole survivor of a plane crash that killed 49 people near Lexington last week asked family members from his hospital bed, "Why did God do this to me?" but he hasn't mentioned the crash, a close family friend said Wednesday.

James Polehinke, who was the flight's co-pilot, can move only his head, and tears often well up in his eyes, said Antonio Cruz, Polehinke's mother's boyfriend. He said the 44-year-old had only gained consciousness on Tuesday.

Polehinke hasn't mentioned the crash and doctors have encouraged family members not to ask him about it, Cruz told The Associated Press.

According to federal investigators, Polehinke was controlling Comair Flight 5191 when the regional jet took off from a too-short runway at Lexington's Blue Grass Airport, crashed and caught fire in a nearby field on August 27. He was pulled to safety from the broken cockpit, but everyone else aboard the plane died in the crash and fire.

Polehinke is now off a ventilator but could be hospitalized for several more weeks with facial and spine fractures, a broken leg, foot and hand, three broken ribs, a broken breastbone and a collapsed lung.

He has asked about various family members, Cruz said, and has questioned his relationship with God.

One of the first full sentences he said after regaining consciousness was, "Why did God do this to me?" Cruz said.

When reached for comment, God replied "Because I'm a mean, vindictive, vicious fucker with no rhyme or reason to my capricious action. Hell, the things that I make happen to people are so random, it's almost as if I didn't exist."

Interview with former Brookfield Zoo dolphin show host about the death of Steve Irwin the Crocodile Hunter.

Q: How dangerous are stingrays?

A: Stingrays are a kind of fish. You may think dolphins are also fish, but they're not. They bear live young, produce milk and must breathe air. They are in fact mammals, just like you and me.

Q: Was it the venom or the barbed spines that probably killed Steve Irwin?

A: Both are dangerous. So are the jaws and teeth of the dolphin. See those marks on Windy's fin? Those were made by the teeth of another dolphin that was showing aggression. But those marks will fade over time.

Now let's put our hands together for the fish-whacking dance! When the dolphins knock the beachballs out of the pool, throw them back! Here we go - it's time to Fish Whack!

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Consumer's Catalog Showroom

The early 80's were the heyday of catalog showrooms like Service Merchandise. In addition to having horrible showrooms full of broken examples of the products they sold, these stores also produced (appropriately enough) catalogs. Thousands of children wasted countless hours each perusing these catalogs in fine detal, carefully circling items they wanted but would never receive. In a testament to the relevance of my office library, I found one such catalog (Consumer's Distributing and Catalog Showrooms) on the shelf a few days ago. Thus, a new periodic feature. My favorite part is the gold watch zooming through space.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Triump of Man! Part 4

Hey Kids! The road to farming! Next stop: High fructose corn syrup, endemic obesity and rampant type 2 diabetes

Friday, September 01, 2006

Cory Doctorow Singlehandedly Destorying Boing Boing

Continuity Error to Be Fixed in Harry Potter Book!

Amazing New Extension Cord to Change Humanity!

Carbonated Grape Juice is a Real Treat!

Some Dumbass to Speak at EFF Convention!

Syllabus For My Class at USC Now Available!

I don't like McDonalds!


Read the new Sci-Fi Book I Wrote This Morning!

Oi Lurve Inglish Peepul!

Posts like this make our eyes glaze over every morning while drinking coffee and make us wonder what's going on over at Metafilter or even (shudder) youtube. Cory Doctorow seems to be trying to destory by an endless stream of brutally uninteresting posts about his myriad inscribed editions of Isaac Asimov rip-off pulp, his crazed belief that Disneyland is in cahoots with the FBI, and dumbass anagram maps of every subway on earth.

Look - This is why people come to Boing Boing:
  • Crazy Japanese shit.
  • Stuff about Americans being too fat to fit in X-Ray machines
  • Old pictures of families walking around Disneyland in the 60s
  • The latest in news about Yetis around the world
And on that note, we are sorry to say that in Xeni's multi-day posts about Tibet, we saw nothing about sex OR Abominable Snowmen. For shame.

To that end, we're inviting someone with more technical knowhow than we possess to hack Cory's Cray mainframe and make it look like he killed JonBenet or brought a soda and hairgel on an airplane. It'd be pretty funny if the Feds locked him up for 20 years. And it might just save Boing Boing.