Monday, March 27, 2006

Daily Fantasy Art (and bonus monster pic)

Binturong Facts

The binturong can kill small animals like ducks by jumping on them.

A scent gland under the tail produces strong-smelling musk oil which is used to mark their territory. The scent resembles popcorn or warm corn bread.

They can make loud howls, low grunts, and hisses and when happy, chuckling noises.

They are also often called a "bearcat."

When cornered, a binturong can be vicious as they unable to walk backwards or turn in an counter-clockwise direction.

Good News that American Media is refusing to report.

Dick Cheney argued on Face the Nation that Americans don't hear about the great progress in Iraq because the media create focuses on car bombings in Baghdad. Well, here's some of the non-car bomb news. I read this the other day (USA Today of all places), and thought it might be worth keeping around so I can always remember the Good News:

The head of the U.S. program to rebuild Iraq said that the Iraqi government can no longer count on U.S. funds and must rely on its own money and cash from other Persian Gulf nations to complete the massive undertaking. The $21 billion U.S.-funded program set out to fix or build schools, roads, clinics, ports, bridges, government offices, phone networks, power plants and water systems.

Hundreds of projects have been completed, but the top U.S. auditor for the program has criticized it for cost overruns, corruption, understaffing and bureaucratic infighting. Stuart Bowen, special inspector general for Iraqi reconstruction, told Congress last month:

•Electrical capacity is BELOW prewar levels.

•Only 49 of 136 planned water projects will be finished.

•300 of 425 electricity projects will be completed.

•$5.6 billion for projects was reallocated to tackle "security needs driven by a lethal and persistent insurgency," Bowen said.

•The U.S. aimed to create public-works jobs for 1.5 million Iraqis. The U.S. Agency for International Development said last week that 77,000 have been created. (Hey - that's a little over 5%! That's not shabby!)

Anthony Cordesman, a Middle East expert at the Center for Strategic and International Studies in Washington, called the U.S. plan a dismal failure. It hasn't met any of its goals. It's left a legacy of half-built projects that Iraq can't maintain.
That last line is key: This guy says everything that the U.S. HAS managed to build/fix in 3 years is itself in danger of falling apart.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Letter of Clarification

Dear Director of the Seattle Zoo,

I'd just like to let you know that the zombie party in Capitol Hill that took place after the rave was not my idea. I'm not saying I didn't encouarage people to dress up like zombies or to continue the party at someone's house after the rave, but I wasn't the instigator.

Secondly, my pistol-grip shotgun has a much darker finish on it than the one used to shoot those seven people. (I'd be happy to show it to you) In fact, I'd say my shotgun probably wasn't fired more than two times that night - three, tops - and to hit seven people I'd obviously need more ammo and shots (I'm not saying I'm a bad shot mind you!)

Finally, I'd like to point out that everyone seems to think the gunman died at the scene anyway, so no one is even looking for other suspects, and it's a damn good idea to just drop the whole fucking subject now, OK?

I look forward to speaking to you further about the job.

Lucky Doubles Roller.

PS - There's no such animal as a seahawk.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Atheism is the new Black

Move over jews, queers, arabs and mexicans! Finally, this middle-class white boy moves to the top of the list!

Atheists Identified as America’s Most Distrusted Minority

MINNEAPOLIS (3/20/2006) -- Americans' increasing acceptance of religious diversity doesn’t extend to those who don’t believe in a god, according to a national survey by researchers in the University of Minnesota’s department of sociology.

Researchers found that Americans rate atheists below Muslims, recent immigrants, gays and lesbians and other minority groups in “sharing their vision of American society.” Atheists are also the minority group most Americans are least willing to allow their children to marry.

Even though atheists are few in number, not formally organized and relatively hard to publicly identify, they are seen as a threat to the American way of life by a large portion of the American public.

“Atheists, 3 percent of the U.S. population, offer a glaring exception to the rule of increasing social tolerance,” says Penny Edgell, the study’s lead researcher. “Our findings seem to rest on a view of atheists as self-interested individuals who are not concerned with the common good.”

The researchers also found acceptance or rejection of atheists is related not only to personal religiosity, but also to one’s exposure to diversity, education and political orientation—with more educated, East and West Coast Americans more accepting of atheists than their Midwestern counterparts.

Well, pin a yellow star / pink triangle / green clover / purple diamond on my lapel and herd me into the camps.
Finally, I am persecuted. Hated by my own countrymen!

Home? I have no home. Hunted... Despised... Living like an animal -- The jungle is my home! But I will show the world that I can be its master! I shall perfect my own race of people -- a race of atomic supermen that will conquer the world!

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Jews as Stupid as Christians! Animal Sacrifices for Everyone!!

Wrath of God behind Israel bird flu?

JERUSALEM (Reuters) - An outbreak of deadly bird flu in Israel is God's punishment for calls in election ads to legalize gay marriages, according to Rabbi David Basri, a prominent sage preaching Kabbalah or Jewish mysticism.

"The Bible says that God punishes depravity first through plagues against animals and then in people," Basri said in a religious edict quoted by his son.

Basri said he hoped the deaths of hundreds of thousands of turkeys and chickens would help atone for what he called the sins of left-wing Israeli political parties, the son, Rabbi Yitzhak Basri, told Reuters, a week before a national election.

The bird flu outbreak stemmed from far-left political parties "strengthening and encouraging homosexuality," Rabbi Basri's son quoted him as saying.

One of the parties aired an election commercial depicting two brides kissing. Some campaign advertisements also called for homosexual marriages to be legalized in Israel.

Basri is a prominent Kabbalist and author of commentaries on the Zohar, the main Kabbalah mystical text.
So Jews are now officially as bat-shit crazy as Christians. These guys even advocate animal sacrifices. Fuck - even the Aztecs no longer rip the beating hearts out of their enemies to placate Chalchiuhtlicue. I wonder what other theories Rabbi has. Maybe cancer is kind of like the targeted assassinations that the Israeli government carries out.

Lesson of the day: Butchering thousands of animals will make God less angry about the homosexuals he created.
Stock up on batteries and soup: Dark ages a-comin’.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Hobos We Know


This guy didn't look like a hobo. It really threw me. When he started yelling about whores, I wasn't sure it was really him... Glancing at him out of the corner of my eye. He was well dressed, and had new-looking black leather shoes. He had earphones on, though who knows if they were plugged into any actual functioning device.


He'd yell a few of the old crazy-hobo stand-bys like these, then get quiet. All the while he'd just look forward, seemingly undisturbed. Then a rant of pure unintelligible gibberish began and went on for a good 20 seconds. Other people in the subway car were also ignoring him except one white guy who stared at him as if he was crazy.

He got off one stop before me - very...slowly... Finally after taking the big step off the train (this is downtown LA at 7 pm - so it was almost completely deserted), he then turned and stared at me. The doors to the train shut. There was no way he could get back in and kill me, and he just stared at me, not really smiling, not even menacing, but in a mid-80s John Carpenter Movie type way; something from Prince of Darkness or They Live.

Finally the train pulled away. When I got off at the next stop, it was just me and two other people: a nun (who walked toward the cathedral, then turned the other direction towards who-knows-where), and an Asian guy carrying a pair of black sneakers that looked like they cost $1000 and were built by the top scientists in Yokohama. The second largest city in America and at 7 pm in the city's center, there was no one but the three of us I could see. We rode the escalator up, and it was drizzing a little bit. I walked around for a while and the only person I saw was a guy jogging who ran past me twice from the same direction in about within 5 minutes.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Malawi Today: Let's Give a Big Welcome to CHOLERA!

Malawi's biggest problems used to be with witchcraft, haunted Presidential mansions, cannibalistic Chinese immigrants and too much palm wine.

Lately though, the gods appear to be quite angry indeed as they deliver such tangible terrors like years-long drought, floods exacerbated by poor land stewardship, black clouds of crop-devouring locusts, and now... Cholera!

Cholera claims 51 lives as flooding spreads

Over 4,000 cases of cholera, a disease associated with poor sanitation, a lack of hygiene and access to potable water, have been recorded over the past three months, mostly in Malawi's southern region.

The south experienced one of its worst droughts in a decade last year, and persistent dry spells have forced people to move around in search of food, exposing them to the risk of consuming contaminated food and water, which causes cholera, explained Some.

Almost half the country's population of 12 million were affected by food shortages and the lack of potable water in last year's drought.Many rural Malawians had also gone in search of employment in urban areas like the commercial
capital, Blantyre, in the south of the country, where most of the cholera cases have been recorded.

A couple of years ago, when Malawi was again struck by floods (these people obviously aren't praying enough to appease capricious spiteful God), they were aided by United Bible Societies, who brought them tasty delicious bibles!

Malawi flood victims receive Scriptures

BLANTYRE, Malawi — Thousands of people in Malawi who lost their homes, possessions and livelihoods during severe flooding in January have received Scriptures and food aid through a partnership between the Bible Society of Malawi, World VisionMalawi and the Salvation Army.

When details of the devastation caused by the floods first emerged, the Bible Society acted quickly, organising a project called Bread of Life, aimed at bringing spiritual encouragement as well as physical help to flood victims, and called on the UBS fellowship for prayer support. A few weeks later, in mid-February, distribution began of 600 Ngonde Bibles, 500 Bibles and 5,000 Gospels of John in Chichewa and 1,200 English New Reader Portions. The distribution, which was completed by early March, took place in the worst-hit areas in northern, central and southern Malawi.

What a relief that must have been to people with no home and no food. White people arrive to help them. Box after box opened up to reveal hundreds of copies of a magic book, which they can not eat (despite being called Bread of Life above) nor live in - though I'm sure many took the boxes the books came in to live in those.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Gorky Swamp

I wish more alligators played accordian.
And tortured children.
And screamed in Russian.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Thusday Funnies!

He said Hello!

I could listen to this over and over again. In fact I do.

Breakthrough in bacon technology

A huge leap forward has recently been made in bacon engineering with the melding of two great breakfast foods (bacon and donuts) with two great lunch foods (bacon and hamburgers). What emerges is possibly the apotheosis of brunch food: a bacon cheeseburger sandwiched between two donuts:

(AP) The Gateway Grizzlies of the Frontier League have created "Baseball's Best Burger" in time for the team's opener in late May. And they appear to have succeeded.

The ballpark sandwich will include a hamburger topped with sharp cheddar cheese and two slices of bacon -- all between a "bun" made of a sliced Krispy Kreme Original Glazed doughnut.

The monster will set you back about 1,000 calories and 45 grams of fat.

In related news, childhood obesity experts across the country suffered multiple simultaneous aneurysms.

Bible Study = Kiddie Sex Abuse

The above equation seems to be true in many cases. In fact, if you do a search in Google News for the word Bible, you will usually get a story about some Bible Study Youth Group Leader with computers full of pedophilia phun. And molestation isn't just for Catholics anymore! Lots of those creepy rural religions dig it too. Let's sample the product...
Today's LA Times:

Sex Abuse at Bible Study Is Reported

Tustin police say church teacher volunteered to authorities that he had molested a male student. Authorities said Evans began spanking the boy at the age of 9 and fondled him 10 to 12 times. He threatened to spank the boy harder if he told anyone, authorities said.

Church youth volunteer to face sex charges

A 20-year-old Boone County church youth group volunteer was arrested Tuesday on sexual abuse charges after investigators said he fondled a 14-year-old girl at the Burlington church a year and a half ago. Anthony R. Cummings is charged with two counts of third-degree sexual abuse.

Catholic Diocese Settles Suit for $5.1M
The Catholic Diocese of Jackson will pay more than $5.1 million to victims of priest abuse. The announcement was made Thursday by the Diocese and attorneys for 19 plaintiffs in the case.

And finally, in honor of St. Patrick's Day:

Files show abuse claims against 102 Dublin priests

"From the information now available, approximately 350 victims have been identified and there are indications of a possible further 40 persons who may have been abused but who it is not yet possible to identify or trace," the statement said. The diocese said that so far it had paid out 5.8 million euros (4 million pounds) in settlements and legal costs and invested 2.5 million euros in child protection services.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

What's the Money Nut?

Pine nut
Call me crazy, but lately it's been walnuts for me. They're like eating a tasty forest. The tree in my backyard though is a black walnut, and those aren't normally eatin' nuts, cuz the shells are thick and when you try to open them you should wear goggles. Because you could get blinded by nut-shell shards.
Know what else? I'm sick of the fucking Pixies. Their three good albums are almost 20 years old, and I don't need to hear them again.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Malawi Today: Campaigning the Old Fashioned Way

We haven't checked in with the zany goings-on in Malawi in a while. Let's see what's happening there:
Police Arrest Malawi Opposition Leader for Trespassing on a Graveyard

Blantyre, Malawi, 03/13 - Malawi police have arrested senior opposition politician, Sam Mpasu, a former Speaker of Parliament, for trespassing on a graveyard in the southern district of Machinga.

Police spokesman Joseph Sauka told PANA that Mpasu, now spokesman for the former governing United Democratic Front (UDF), was arrested Saturday night after villagers from Chikwakwata reportedly found him in the graveyard in the company of two other men.

"The villagers got suspicious when they saw his car parked near a graveyard (...) and when they went to investigate they found Mpasu and two colleagues in the graveyard and apprehended him," Sauka said.

Imran Tenesi, one of the men with Mpasu was also arrested, but the third man identified simply as "Yunusu," escaped and police are after him. Police said Mpasu, also a former education minister, claimed he "lost" his way and "strayed" into the graveyard.

He is to be charged for trespassing on a graveyard, which carries less than five years in jail under the country`s penal code.

Malawian politicians are known for seeking charms from traditional medicine men either to boost their political careers or to ward off perceived political enemies.

Five years in jail seems reasonable to me for being in a graveyard at night. ...Also there were more floods that left more than 6,000 homeless. But that almost goes without saying.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

X-Ray Porn

Not enough people use medical devices and/or radioactive imagery in pornography. Let's hope that changes soon. We also want to apologize to long-time readers of this blog for the lack of truly creepy penis pictures of late. We'll try to rectify the situation as soon as we can.

By the way people, take better care of your teeth.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Bacon Porn

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Bible Once Again Shows Errors of Science

Most Americans today believe that the bible provides all of the necessary information for life. Scientists meanwhile can't agree on anything. One day they tell us that eating vegetables and exerccising is good for us, and the next they tell us that Antarctica is melting. Which is it already?
Make up your minds, crazy scientists!!

Once again, today we learn how science fails in the clear illuminating light cast by our powerful Bible.

From the LA Times: "The next sunspot cycle will be a year late and as much as 50% stronger than the last one, according to a forecast released Monday by scientists from NASA and the National Science Foundation.

Such predictions are vital because the solar storms associated with the sunspots not only endanger humans in space, but can slow satellites in orbit, disrupt communications, interfere with Global Positioning Systems and bring down power grids."

If only these "eggheads" had put their faith in the Lord. The Bible clearly predicted that the Sunspots would be 50% stronger this time around, and warned us to compensate for the slowing of satellites and errors in global positioning systems.

If I may quote: "I watched as he opened the sixth seal. There was a great earthquake. The sun turned black like sackcloth made of goat hair, the whole moon turned blood red, and the stars in the sky fell to earth, as late figs drop from a fig tree when shaken by a strong wind. The sky receded like a scroll, rolling up, and every mountain and island was removed from its place. Then the kings of the earth, the princes, the generals, the rich, the mighty, and every slave and every free man hid in caves and among the rocks of the mountains. They called to the mountains and the rocks, "Fall on us and hide us from the face of him who sits on the throne and from the wrath of the Lamb! For the great day of their wrath has come, and who can stand?"

Oscar Special! It's hard to be a pimp, fo' real.

I have a dream. It involves Courvoisier, 4 carat diamond ear rings and a purple Lincoln town car.

Three 6 Mafia really broke down a lot of barriers with their Oscar win on Sunday. It's about time that the academy stopped its biggoted rejection of pimps in motion pictures. They have been second class citizens too long. It reminds me of a few years ago when Halle Barry was the first white woman to win an academy award. If only Huggy Bear had lived to see this day. And proving that art does indeed imitate life, one pimp in particular is having a tough time of it in our nation's capital. Even though great strides have been made in pimp's rights, this just proves that we have a long way to go:

From the Washington Post-

The teenagers testified for hour after agonizing hour about their months of prostitution, quietly describing the tricks they turned on some of the District's and Maryland's seediest strips.

They performed sex acts with men in cheap motel rooms, alleys and the back seats of cars, they said. Clients had 10 minutes or it cost extra. One girl, 14 when she was recruited, said her quota was $500 a night, with various sex acts ranging in price from $50 to $150. Every dollar she and her "stable sisters" earned, she said, was turned over to the sometimes loving, often brutal man they were told to call "Daddy."

That man, Jaron R. Brice, 27, of Northeast Washington, was convicted last week of sex trafficking of a minor, transporting prostitutes across state lines, pandering and child sexual abuse -- a litany of federal charges that probably will land him in prison for decades.

It sure is hard to be a pimp.

Jollibee Sunday

The Chano's burrito stand near my house closed down recently. It was never as good as the one on 32nd and Figueroa south of downtown, but it still had better carnitas than most any other place I've been to.

Well, it's being turned into a Jollibee - the weirdest fast-food place I've ever seen. Longtime readers remember we used to have an ongoing segment about Jollibee's dishes such as the Palabok Fiesta and the Chicken Torpedo.

To see what treats I'd be in for at my new local Jollibee I checked their always surreal website.

Make way for the Crispy Bangus Belly: Deep-fried, breaded and smoked bangus belly with an appetizing fusion of pepper, vinegar and garlic flavors, served with fresh tomato slices and steamed rice. A familiar, yet uniquely special meal that is deliciously filling and has great value-for-money.

-- There's more you yuppie-scum - Prepare for workplace ennui and battered dreams to be revitalized by the slaughter of a bangus and a depressed copywriter somewhat fluent in two languages! --

Break the Monotony with the new Crispy Bangus Belly

Today's breed of yuppies are busybodies with full calendars and a mile-long list of to-dos. Driven and organized, they wake up each day knowing what to expect and what needs to be done. Much everything is routine yet different in many ways. Same job, new project. Old system, bigger targets. They may be busy but their lives can get pretty monotonous sometimes. This is why little surprises and much-awaited breaks from the ordinary come as teeny rays of sunshine that add excitement to life. It may be something as simple as an impromptu night out with the team or a tasty discovery like Jollibee's new Crispy Bangus Belly. The latest Jollibee rice meal offering is a fresh addition to the well-loved menu and it will surely be equally appetizing and satisfying. Deep-fried, breaded and smoked, Jollibee's Crispy Bangus Belly is a tempting fusion of pepper, vinegar and garlic flavors served with fresh tomato slices and steamed rice. It's so authentically Pinoy and home-made, you'll feel right at home in Jollibee. A perfect respite from the confines of the office in the middle of the day or an accessible pit stop after office hours, Jollibee offers its welcoming arms to hardworking young adult crowd any time of the day. So don't let the monotony wear you down. There are a dozen and one ways to break the routine and try something new even with a schedule as crazy as yours. Change your hairstyle. Read a new book. Or simply drop by Jollibee and indulge in a uniquely delectable serving of the new Crispy Bangus Belly. It's the easiest way to take a much-needed break.

I've no idea what a bangus is; probably a rare beautiful forest animal brutally slaughtered as their habitat is clear-cut for the culinary delights of Filipinos living in America. Or maybe it's like bacon.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Thursday Funnies!

Friday, March 03, 2006

What Would Duke Do?

If Jesus were alive today he'd be terrified of our giant metal birds, our fast shiny magic donkeys, and our lack of beards (except for the hobos). So it's difficult to wonder - really - What Would Jesus Do? Most likely, he'd cower somewhere with his hands clapped over his ears, crying.

So we occasionally pose ethical dilemmas to other moral leaders. In honor of his big day, today we ask Republican Congressman Randy "Duke" Cunningham about public trust and spending the people's money wisely. Oh yeah - and supporting our troops.

Duke - let's say people elected you to a powerful office and you were trusted to spend tax dollars and get re-elected every two years for a couple of decades. It's a lot of power, but you're a good guy. What Would Duke Do?

First of all I'd take a few million dollars in bribes from defense contractors. Fuck those idiots who joined the Army to "fight Osama" or "Avenge 9-11" - You should see ME avenge some beers on the yacht those defense contractors bought for me! And after a day on the waves, I would drive my Rolls-Royce (another bribe) back to my mansion. I like to spend some quiet time in my mansion - Paid for with yet more bribes from defense contractors naturally - Oh you should see it! Filled to bursting with antiques and so priceless rugs and art - why I had to rent extra places to store them all - BECAUSE MY MANSION WASN'T BIG ENOUGH! HA HA HA!!!

What else... I'd prepare a "bribe menu" to save the awkwardness of the defense contractors having to come right out and ASK me if I could be bought. And I'd give the defnse contractors my own Congressional stationery so that they could write out their own memos - then I'd just sign em!

Shit I love America. Oh yeah! Don't forget 9-11! Support the troops, ya hear! Your ol' buddy Duke sure does!"

Thanks Duke. You are a disgrace to us all. I remember those press conferences you had saying you were being hounded by a liberal media for doing nothing wrong, before you pled guilty to conspiracy.

Your sentencing is today, and though you've had prostrate cancer, I hope that doesn't stop anyone from raping you daily for the next ten years in prison.

By the way - the two contractors that Duke sold us out for are ADCS and MZM. Drop in and say hi to them. Tell em Duke sent ya.

Just read that the Dukester got 8 years and 4 months. Here's hoping Duke lives for another 8 years and 3 1/2 months.