Wednesday, September 28, 2005

SCOPES MONKEY TRIAL II: The monkeys are back... and they're pissed off.

According to CNN and that fat white cracker Nancy Grace, a white girl has gone missing!

Meanwhile, in actual news, there's a trial going on in Harrisburg, PA that actually MATTERS; are kids going to be taught superstitions and supernatural explanations for biology? Or we going to finally advance to the 18th century once and for all?

Professor Testifies in Evolution Debate By MARTHA RAFFAELE, Associated Press Writer
HARRISBURG, Pa. - The concept of "intelligent design" is a form of creationism and is not based on scientific method, a professor testified Wednesday in a trial over whether the idea should be taught in public schools.

Robert T. Pennock, a professor of science and philosophy at Michigan State University, testified on behalf of families who sued the Dover Area School District. He said supporters of intelligent design don't offer evidence to support their idea.

"As scientists go about their business, they follow a method," Pennock said. "Intelligent design wants to reject that and so it doesn't really fall within the purview of science."
Pennock said intelligent design does not belong in a science class, but added that it could possibly be addressed in other types of courses.

In October 2004, the Dover school board voted 6-3 to require teachers to read a brief statement about intelligent design to students before classes on evolution. The statement says Darwin's theory is "not a fact" and has inexplicable "gaps," and refers students to an intelligent-design textbook for more information.

Eight families are trying to have intelligent design removed from the curriculum, arguing that it violates the constitutional separation of church and state. They say it promotes the Bible's view of creation.

Proponents of intelligent design argue that life on Earth was the product of an unidentified intelligent force, and that Charles Darwin's theory of natural selection cannot fully explain the origin of life or the emergence of highly complex life forms.

Scientists disturb one of the Great Old Ones from its slumber

In a move likely to bring ruination upon mankind, Japanese scientists have wakened one of the Great Old Ones from its slumber many fathoms below the sea. It is unlear which of the old ones was brought into this plane via the transdimensional portal created by the scientists, but photographs seem to indicate it was either Nyarrthlotepp or Shubniggurath. None of the researchers responsible for reawakening this most ancient of evils could be reached for comment, as just a glimpse of this crawling, retching abomination with tentacles for a face and hailing from the deepest pits of hell, has driven them all into gibbering insanity. Representatives from the Japanese government, though confronted with an event that could turn the entire earth into a nightmare world of non-Euclidian geometry, stated that they would endeavour to turn the great creeping thing from the depths into whale bacon.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

God targets societies that believe in him & makes them SUFFER.

Giving further evidence to the idea that he moves in mysterious ways, God apparently visits misery and destruction upon those who believe in him most:

Societies worse off 'when they have God on their side

By Ruth Gledhill, Religion Correspondent - The Times (UK)
RELIGIOUS belief can cause damage to a society, contributing towards high murder rates, abortion, sexual promiscuity and suicide, according to research published today.

According to the study, belief in and worship of God are not only unnecessary for a healthy society but may actually contribute to social problems.
The study counters the view of believers that religion is necessary to provide the moral and ethical foundations of a healthy society.
It compares the social peformance of relatively secular countries, such as Britain, with the US, where the majority believes in a creator rather than the theory of evolution. Many conservative evangelicals in the US consider Darwinism to be a social evil, believing that it inspires atheism and amorality.
Many liberal Christians and believers of other faiths hold that religious belief is socially beneficial, believing that it helps to lower rates of violent crime, murder, suicide, sexual promiscuity and abortion. The benefits of religious belief to a society have been described as its “spiritual capital”. But the study claims that the devotion of many in the US may actually contribute to its ills.
The paper, published in the Journal of Religion and Society, a US academic journal, reports: “Many Americans agree that their churchgoing nation is an exceptional, God-blessed, shining city on the hill that stands as an impressive example for an increasingly sceptical world.

“In general, higher rates of belief in and worship of a creator correlate with higher rates of homicide, juvenile and early adult mortality, STD infection rates, teen pregnancy and abortion in the prosperous democracies.

“The United States is almost always the most dysfunctional of the developing democracies, sometimes spectacularly so.”
Gregory Paul, the author of the study and a social scientist, used data from the International Social Survey Programme, Gallup and other research bodies to reach his conclusions.
He compared social indicators such as murder rates, abortion, suicide and teenage pregnancy.
The study concluded that the US was the world’s only prosperous democracy where murder rates were still high, and that the least devout nations were the least dysfunctional. Mr Paul said that rates of gonorrhoea in adolescents in the US were up to 300 times higher than in less devout democratic countries. The US also suffered from “ uniquely high” adolescent and adult syphilis infection rates, and adolescent abortion rates, the study suggested.

He said that the disparity was even greater when the US was compared with other countries, including France, Japan and the Scandinavian countries. These nations had been the most successful in reducing murder rates, early mortality, sexually transmitted diseases and abortion, he added.
Mr Paul delayed releasing the study until now because of Hurricane Katrina. He said that the evidence accumulated by a number of different studies suggested that religion might actually contribute to social ills. “I suspect that Europeans are increasingly repelled by the poor societal performance of the Christian states,” he added.

“The non-religious, proevolution democracies contradict the dictum that a society cannot enjoy good conditions unless most citizens ardently believe in a moral creator.
“The widely held fear that a Godless citizenry must experience societal disaster is therefore refuted.”

Friday, September 23, 2005

Thursday Funnies!

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

God Prepares to Mightily Smite Texas

"I've wanted to destroy Texas for years... I hope Barbara Bush is in Houston. " says drunken angry God.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Thursday Funnies!

Just like old times...

Old habits die hard at the Vatican. Particularly with Field Marshall Ratzinger at the helm.

War crimes chief accuses Vatican
The Vatican is helping Croatia's most wanted war crimes suspect evade capture, a top UN prosecutor alleges.

Carla del Ponte, chief prosecutor for war crimes in the former Yugoslavia, has said she believes Gen Ante Gotovina is hiding in a monastery in Croatia.

Ms del Ponte's spokeswoman told the BBC News website that the Vatican had refused to help in the search for him, despite being in a position to do so.

A spokesman for the Croatian Catholic Church rejected the charges.

Said the pope: "First we're supposed to hide the jews. Then we're NOT supposed to hide the croatian war criminals... which is it?! Make up DEINE KOPF!! SIEG HEIL!"

Monday, September 19, 2005

Keep on rockin' in the tard world

Normally our street sightings at YPMTRGA are devoted to gentlemen of leisure, tramps, those of no fixed abode, and other such men of the road. However today I was fortunate to witness a fellow as deserving of attention as any down and out itinerant. As I passed the basketball court that is on my way to the train I could see already that this guy was different. He seemed to be about 25 years old or so and was vigorously engaged alternately standing straight up and bending as far forward at the waist as is humanly possible. His head reached to almost between his knees at the nadir of his swing. He was wearing a sweat shirt and very tight sweatpants, a combination that looks great on anyone, but especially good if you appear to be a mildly obese victim of fetal alcohol syndrome with a crewcut. The reason for his rapid movements was, apparently, the music being spirited to his ears by a circa 1985 cassette walkman. To show ho much he approved of whatever it was he was listening to our hero was loudly saying "NNNNNNNNNNNuh! NNNNNNNNNNNNuh!" without any rhythm or tempo and spraying copious amounts of mucous from his nose. Fuck ipods. All you need to have a good time is an old Boston tape, a set of cool duds, and severe brain impairment. Shine on you crazy diamond.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

fantasy gorilla and naked savage art

Is that a loincloth? Or would you like to borrow our dipsoable razor?

tards on npr

I was listening to a story on NPR today about a facility in Texas that has taken in a number of retarded folks who were forced from their workhouses and loony bins by the hurricane. The story included many interviews with both the tards and texans who were now caring from them. Many times throughout the piece I couldn't tell who were the texans and who were the tards without being told by the intrepid NPR reporter.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

How You Eating Your Bacon?

How you eating your bacon?

In a Spinach salad! From Trader Joe's! Now, I'm no fan of this pre- packaged salad bacon craze that allthe kids with their ipods squawk about. But to their credit, TJ's put a LOT of bacon in there. They don't skimp. This salad has over 110% of your USRDA of fat. So pipe down, Tubby - you'll get your fill.
Here's how it arrives: The bacon is being hidden under the wrapper - but look at all that cheese you get too!

And who's that? Why, it's our old friend egg. How I love you, egg. When egg's around, bacon can't be far behind.

The major problem with the TJ B&SS is that the bacon has no crispness at all. How could it? A proper spinach salad comes to your table a little cooled, and then wait-staff brings a sizzling skillet up behind you, and drops all that crackling bacon onto your greens right in front of you. So hot! So crisp... Still, I have to go to work and I can't eat lunch at Musso & Frank's everyday. So here's whatcha do.

Unwrap the salad at home, and carefully scoop out all of the bacon. You'll find much of it in "chunks;" quite nice - very meaty. Scatter it all about on a piece of foil and put in your toaster oven. 400 degrees. Now have a cup of coffee and take a glance over the morning paper.

...those poor bastards in new, George Bush fucking hates the blacks...

Let's check in: Ooh, that's what we like to see. The precious juices have uncongealed and are bubbling and sizzling nicely. Go ahead and scoop off the fully cooked bacon back into your salad. If there are particulaly fatty bits that still look like they could be rendered some more, put those back in for another couple of minutes.

You have now taken a passable lunch and turned into something finer. It's still no two hour wine-fueled afternoon at The Ivy, but hey - my expense account is no longer what it used to be.

Look, I'm the last person to tell that this is how life should be lived. I should be out traveling the world, spreading the word on the world's best meat like some sort of Johnny Apple-smoked-bacon-seed. I should be at a Thai restaurant pointing out that their menu has no bacon products, and mayube we could whip up some sort of thic-cut bacon in a red coconut-curry with chilis and fried tofu dish. But that's ok for now.

In the meantime we've created a nice little pork-laced lunch that will get us through the day. If you can, I suggest a nice big glass of cabernet to go along with this, and maybe a big piece of crusty bread with some olive oil (No sourdough you fuckers).

Finally, I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that in 30 years people will ask us "Where were you when that Texan retard was ruining the country? Why weren't you part of the resistance?" And to that I'd say, "Blow me. I live in California. We're liberal. We don't even want to be part of the U.S. But we elected the world's worst actor to be our governor. AGAIN! I mean, we HAD the world's worst actor as a governor 30 years earlier, and look what happened! In other words, we've got our own fish to fry. You can't expect us to come save your country. Our beach houses need water-proofing, and we've got quality TV shows and movies to put together out here. Let Minnesota deal with it. They've got nothing else going on."

Friday, September 16, 2005

Hobos in Tinseltown

We haven’t written much about homeless people lately – not because we don’t love them. I believe the homeless are our future. And hobos are our most valuable resource. There was a cracker the other day though.

I was waiting for my cheeseburger (no sauce, grilled onions) and fries from In ‘N Out in Hollywood. Nice day. I was waiting outside. As usual: place is packed. About 100 people(The McDonald’s half a block away gave up and closed down a few weeks ago. One day it was open. Then like Miegs Field, every vestige of it vanished in the middle of the night.)

So I’m standing outside, and a guy comes out the door. He’s about 25 – skinny, blonde. He’s got the homeless/crazy haircut, but actually it looks a lot closer to that fancy expensive bedhead thing that’ll cost you an easy hundred on Melrose. Also he’s wearing some pretty cool dark red velvet pants and a polyester printed shirt that also looked kind of nice. It was heavily stained though – and in a second you’ll know why.

So he comes out of the door – and quite frankly – other than the stained shirt, I would have believed that he could have been an aspiring model or wannabe actor. Maybe with a spot of a drug problem. Except one thing that would have given it away – and that was the constant screaming at the top of his lungs. “CRAZY!” SHHEEEEE’s CRA! ZY-CRA-ZY! ! YOU’RE CRAZY! GAAH! ARR! ZZ-AAR!!" He had a cup of some liquid with him – soda or water or methadone. And he was shouting so loudly that he was shaking, and the liquid was going everywhere; on him, on people nearby, on the bushes ten feet away.

Sparky was on a roll. He took his act uptown – from Sunset to Hollywood Blvd. - and we could continue to hear him after he was about a block and a half away.

Cheeseburger was delicious.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Daily fantasy art

In honor of the last episode of Bigfoot and a Half we present the appropriately gay "Oily mullet guys wrestling oily lizard guys".

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Bigfoot and a Half: Part 6 of 6

The Final Chapter.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Daily fantasy art

We'll leave this one untitled. The expression on the barbarian's face says it all. Or suggest your own title.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Jollibee Sunday! Palabok Fiesta!

From the Jollibee website: "Partake of our very own Filipino pasta. A serving of high-quality bihon noodles topped with a special pork-shrimp sauce, garnished with pork strips, shrimps, toasted garlic, flaked smoked fish, pork cracklings, and sliced eggs."

Now, I couldn't find a bigger picture of the Palabok Fiesta - and I might even go to Jollibee and order this so I can describe the smell to you, but to my mind, I don't know where that orange-y sauce comes in from the description. Is that the special pork-shrimp sauce? I don't think so. That's the brown stuff covering the pork strips and shrimps. It seems like there's a layer of smooth rich butterscotch topping on the high-quality bihon noodles. And that would truly be Food of the Gods.

Things I found in the closet at my office, part 2

The second installment in our periodic series on things I found in the closet at work. Today's piece is the self titled "heat and serve". Perhaps a third instruction is necessary: "Enjoy".

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Taxidermy Monday!

In the fall of 1859 I have the opportunity to observe a flock of Passenger Pigeons feeding. The flock was over a quarter mile wide and 300 feet deep. In a few moments those in the rear, finding the ground stripped of food, arose above the tree tops and alighted in front of the advance column. This movement soon became continuous and uniform, birds from the rear flying to the front so rapidly that the whole had the appearance of a rolling cylinder, having a diameter of about 50 yards, its interior filled with flying leaves and grass. "The noise was deafening and the sight confusing to the mind".

If God was alive today, how proud he'd be to see how we have used the gifts he gave us.

I hope someday we'll be able to express our dominance over some other of His creatures in a similar way: Chows, Chihuahuas, all pit bulls including mixed-breed ones, cane toads, fire ants, and of course, the bear.

Friday, September 09, 2005

SATANISTS! Start Fucking!

SATANISTS! PAY HEED! This weekend is your last chance for demonic conception if you want a 'lil demonspawn to be born on 6/6/6. Imagine the fun you'll have as it throws nannies from balconies, impales priests on steeples, and sends packs of attack dogs after your foes. Then of course it will go grow up to slaughter the Isrealites, free the seven headed dragons from heaven, and raise the righteous 144,000 to sit at the hand of god... Ahh, what a crock of shit you dummies believe.

Here at YOUR PRAYERS, we put as much faith into Satan as we do in his supposedly white-hatted alter-ego, God. If you're spending time trying to make contact with either of them, you're fuckin' batshit. But we have to admit, Satanists wear cooler clothes, always have a good collection of death metal on hand, and their houses always look crazy. Like batshit crazy.

So we just thought we'd remind you to get pumping. Or at least it might be a good way to get some hot goth chick in the sack with you.

Daily fantasy art

Impotent god unable to get Utah heathens to teach pseudoscience

"By definition, science does not attempt to explain the world by invoking the supernatural," University of Utah bioengineering professor Gregory Clark told the board.

"Intelligent design fails as science because it does exactly that - it posits that life is too complex to have arisen

from natural causes, and instead requires the intervention of an intelligent designer who is beyond natural explanation. Invoking the supernatural can explain anything, and hence explains nothing."

Bush declares day of prayer, fails to see irony

Obviously god hates our freedom, or he wouldn't have sent the hurricane to smite us.

(AFP) President George W. Bush declared September 16 a national day of prayer for Hurricane Katrina's victims, while his spokesman warned that the death toll would be "very ugly."

"We have many difficult days ahead, especially as we recover those who did not survive the storm," Bush said as he announced efforts to help the survivors, especially the hundreds of thousands left homeless.

"Throughout our history, in times of testing, Americans have come together, in prayer, to heal and ask for strength for the tasks ahead. So I've declared Friday, September the 16th, as a national day of prayer and remembrance," he said.

You know, if that fantastical superhero in the clouds did actually have a hand in what goes on here on earth, chances were he was trying to wipe out New Orleans. Prayers to the contrary will only make him more angry.

In related news, VP Cheney was told to go fuck himself. How you like me now punk!

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Thursday Funnies!

More Thursday Funnies.
Collect 'em all! Trade with your friends. Here's another. Don't forget: It's fun to learn! But if you learn too much, you'll be despised and ostracized. Fuck them. Don't let the bastards grind you down.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Barbecue...and bacon?!?!?! Whaa???

The activities of the Lord Humungous, Master/Blaster, Snake Pliskin, and COBRA have distracted us from bacon related news items recently. Yet an unprecedented event in the bacon world has made us stand up and pay attention. When the average person talks about fusion cuisone they are usually talking about something like deep fried sushi or orstrich with pine nuts, truffle oil and molasses in a hot chocolate demi-glace. That's all well and good, but how about a fusion of two of the most beloved of all cuisines: barbecue and bacon!
Barbecue+Bacon=Delicious! Take one pound thick sliced bacon, place on very hot bbq grill. Grilling imparts the bacon with a particularly delightful smoky taste, allows some of the grease to burn of (and fall onto the coals, burn, and increase the smokiness), and you even get grill marks. The bacon ends up firm, but not crispy. Best eaten on its own without any accompaniment to prevent any distraction from the bacon-ey flavor. Serves 1.

Daily fantasy art

Daily fantasy art has been out of comission for a few days to to serious personal injury. However, it's back with a vengence. Today: "Three naked chicks and a dude on a horse".

Monday, September 05, 2005

Jollibee Sunday! Let the chicken torpedos rejoice

It's Monday you say? To that, I say, fuck you. Everyday is a holiday for the Fillipnos who love to eat at JOLLIBEE!

Today I'd like to fire something extra crispy down your throat: The Chicken Torpedo! Mayo you ask? You betcha says I! In motherfuckin spades I got your mayo to help ease the chicken torpedo down your gullet.

All hands on deck! Is the Chicken Torpedo loaded?

Yes sir! Chicken Torpedo loaded and ready to fire!

FIRE THE CHICKEN TORPEDO!! ...and may god save us all....

Saturday, September 03, 2005

W. W. B. D. ? A New Weekly Feature!

Every week we will pose an ethical dilemma and then ask, "What Would the Baroness Do?" Supersitious witch-hunters (Christians) like to say that morality cannot exist alongside rationality (a disbelief in vengeful and petty gods). But to that we say, "Balderdash!" And to prove it we'll see what uber-sexy G.I. Joe nemesis The Baronness would do.

This week's moral dilemma: A huge storm is about to hit a major metropolitan area largely inhabited by the poor and the dark-skinned. Many of these people are unable to evacuate the city because they do not own cars and/or have nowhere to go. In the last election, most of the inhabitants of this city voted for G.I. Joe instead of The Baroness. Here's the kicker, this city is built BELOW sea level, and is kept dry only by a series of levees.


"The Fools! First, I will let the storm strike them with all the fury it can muster! Let the weak perish! Let the dogs of war (or in this case, just stray dogs) gnaw the bones of the elderly and the enfeebled! Then I would let them simmer in the filthy floodwaters for several days. Meanwhile, I would learn to play the guitar from a popular country and western singer. My word, I do love a good country and western song... Where was I? Oh yes, After chaos has ruled the streets for several days, I would mobilize the armed forces to invade the city and fly in myself for a victory march! Hmm... If possible, I would try to decimate the National Guard troops by sending them and their equipment overseas to fight futile battles years ahead of time. This will allow me to send federal COBRA squadrons directly into the city against all laws and tradition. The staraved and the sick will be so pleased to have a sip of water and a bite of bread that they won't notice that I've invaded their city with FEDERAL TROOPS!! Finally - though it would take a foolish public to put up with this - I would earlier to cut funding for strengthening the levees, cut funding for COBRA's Engineering Corps, and I would ignore any reports that said a storm could destroy the levees and the city. I would then vote for HUGE TAX CUTS for Destro and his minions. HA HA HA HA HA!! WORSHIP ME!!"

Friday, September 02, 2005

Hang in there, baby!
Mr. Bush reached for a note of hope and cheer, declaring that out of the darkness and chaos "a fantastic Gulf Coast" would emerge.

A Gulf Coast of Savagery! Super Science! And SORCERY!

President continues to go insane:

Before he departed for the region, he told reporters in Washington that "I'm looking forward to my trip," but later, in Mobile, he said, "I'm not looking forward to this trip."


In Biloxi, Miss., Bush encountered two weeping women on a street where a house had collapsed and towering trees were stripped of their branches. "My son needs clothes," said Bronwynne Bassier, 23, clutching several trash bags. "I don't have anything." "I understand that," Bush said. He kissed both women on their heads and walked with his arms around them, telling them they could get help from the Salvation Army. "Hang in there," he said.

Bush to women: "There's a Salvation Army center that I want to, that I'll tell you where it is, and they'll get you some help. I'm sorry.... They'll help you.....
Woman 1: "I came here looking for clothes..."
Bush: "They'll get you some clothes, at the Salvation Army center..."
Woman 1: "We don't have anything..."
Bush: "I understand.... Do you know where the center is, that I'm talking to you about?"
Guy with shades: "There's no center there, sir, it's a truck."
Bush: "There's trucks?"
Guy: "There's a school, a school about two miles away....."
Bush: "But isn't there a Salvation center down there?"
Guy: "No that's wiped out...."
Bush: "A temporary center? "
Guy: "No sir they've got a truck there, for food."
Bush: "That's what I'm saying, for food and water."
Bush turns to the sister who's been saying how she needs clothes.
Bush to sister: "You need food and water."

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Thursday Funnies!


It's nice to know that a major US city is only a heavy rain away from turning into a post-apocalyptic hybrid of The Road Warrior and Escape from New York. If only President Bush could play a role similar to that of President Donald Pleasence.

(CNN) Widespread looting and random gunfire have been reported across the city. Police told CNN that groups of armed men roamed the streets overnight.

Officers told CNN they lacked manpower and steady communications to properly do their jobs -- and that they needed help to prevent the widespread looting and violence now prevalent in the city.

A police officer working in downtown New Orleans said police were siphoning gas from abandoned vehicles in an effort to keep their squad cars running, CNN's Chris Lawrence reported.

The officer said police are "on their own" for food and water, scrounging up what they can from anybody who is generous enough to give them some -- and that they have no communication whatsoever. Police also told CNN they were removing ammunition from looted gunshops in an effort to get it off the streets.

What I found in the closet at work today

As an adjunct to our story about the fetusgull, we are beginning a periodic series entitled "what I found in the closet at work today". This series will, appropriately enough, feature items that I found in one of the closets at my office. These images are exclusive to YPMTRGA and cannot be found on any other intarnets. Today's image I like to call "soupy".

Daily fantasy art-special edition

In honor of visitor number 666 we proudly present "Bring it on you christian bastards".

Bigfoot and a Half: Part 5 of 6

Here it is kiddies, the penultimate episode of Bigfoot and a Half. Some of our readers say there isn't enought ACTION in Bigfoot and a Half. Well, I think today's episode will really satisfy your hunger for hugeness. As always, the story is probably too complex to grasp without first reviewing the earlier episodes. Read Part 1 by clicking here: Read Part 2 by clicking here. Read Part 3 of the story by clicking here. and read part 4 of the story by clicking here. Without further adieu, here is part 5 of Bigfoot and a Half..