Wednesday, November 30, 2005


Mr. Gruff logo
If you find an Atheist in your neighborhood,

You may be moved to try and witness to
these poor lost souls yourself, however

Atheists are often very grumpy and bitter and will lash out at children or they may even try to trick you into neglecting God's Word.

Very advanced witnessing techniques are needed for these grouches. Let the adults handle them.
This was taken from a children's religious site. It's like they peered right into my home. Except my bathrobe is black, and I don't have horns (I think). Other than that, it might as well be Wyeth's rendering of me. Their ability to capture me, my robe, my coffee and my crotch- crotch- crotchitiness is quite frankly the most convincing evidence of proof that God exists that I've ever seen.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

How You Eating Your Bacon?

Holy Frijoles! On a tostada, Amigo!

1. First of all, get yourself a nice slab of the good stuff. I like the way Trader Joe's packages their bacon: Check it out: It's in a big chunk - not spread out like a pack of cards being delat by am amateur magician... this is Uncured Applewood Smoked by the way. Get some smallish corn tortillas. The ones I buy are made with lime. Not the limes that grow on trees, but the mineral. I'm not sure why this is. My wife tried to explain it to me, but she lost me. It might have something to do with the fact that corn has to be treated in some way in order for it to release its nutrition. Apparently that's why the Injuns (who called it Maize) would do this, but when the English tried to take corn back to England they all died of malnutrition.

Or maybe I dreamed that.

I also dream I'm back in school a lot...

Anyway, the corn tortillas smell a little like ammonia from the lime. I used to buy a pack, think they were all poisoned, then throw them away. Now I'm pretty sure they aren't poison, but I sniff them constantly b/c of the lime/ammonia smell.

...oh yeah. Cook some eggs. I made these scrambled, but usually I like them over medium. I've ggot some colby-jack on these, over a layer of refried black beans. Get the ones with jalapenos in them you pussy. Come on, you can barely taste them.
Put 'em in the toaster oven. I cut the slices of bacon in half so they're easier to manage. Plus they fit on these little corn ammonia disc thingies. Then I put the bacon on the tostadas and keep them warm in the oven, while the eggs are finishing up.

It goees without saying that you cook the eggs in the bacon grease.
Now these are good as is. Not much else needed. But for a Full Mexican Breakfast put those eggs on top, and then cover em with some roasted garlic salsa. Don't let the salsa be too cold. Use a lot of pepper. Not a lot of salt. Use some garlic powder in the eggs before cooking, and a bit of milk to keep em fluffy.

Note to self

clip fingernails tonight.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Kansas continues to drag itself from the primordial ooze

Intelligent design — already the planned subject of a controversial Kansas University seminar this spring — will make its way into a second KU classroom in the fall, this time labeled as a “pseudoscience.”

In addition to intelligent design, the class Archaeological Myths and Realities will cover such topics as UFOs, crop circles, extrasensory perception and the ancient pyramids.

John Hoopes, associate professor of anthropology, said the course focused on critical thinking and taught how to differentiate science and “pseudoscience.” Intelligent design belongs in the second category, he said, because it cannot be tested and proven false.

“I think this is very important for students to be articulate about — they need to be able to define and recognize pseudoscience,” Hoopes said.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

I gonna buy me some powerball tickets

NEWPORT, Kentucky (AP) -- A woman who won a $65.4 million Powerball jackpot with her husband five years ago was found dead at her home overlooking the Ohio River, where she had apparently been for days before anyone found her, police said.

Virginia Metcalf Merida's son discovered her body Wednesday. Police were awaiting autopsy and toxicology results before announcing a cause of death.

When the woman and her husband, Mack Wayne Metcalf, won the jackpot, they told lottery officials they were going their separate ways to fulfill their dreams. Merida planned to quit her job making corrugated boxes and buy a home. Metcalf, a forklift operator, wanted to start fresh in Australia. He never did.

Metcalf died in 2003 at age 45 while living in a replica of George Washington's Mount Vernon estate built in Corbin, Kentucky. His death followed multiple run-ins with the law, including a child-support dispute from a previous marriage and a drunken-driving charge filed before he hit the jackpot.

Neighbors said Merida stayed out of public view until last December when a body was found in her 5,000-square-foot, custom-built geodesic dome house. Campbell County Deputy Coroner Al Garnick confirmed that the man died of a drug overdose. Official records of the case were unavailable because of the Thanksgiving holiday weekend.

Merida used part of her winnings to buy a second home, but when she tried to evict the resident, the renter sued. A hearing was scheduled for Wednesday.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Today in bacon

OK. So thanksgiving isn't a holiday typically associated with bacon. Why the pilgrims couldn't have shot a few of those brown-skinned savages and made injun bacon I'll never know. The upshot is that we are all stuck with a holiday dinner almost entirely devoid of pork products (unless you have a ham, which is practically terrorism). Well despair no longer my friends. You have eaten your last bacon-less thanksgiving dinner.

Take a turkey and prepare it in the normal fashion for roasting. Ideally, stuff it with some sort of sausage-based stuffing. However, where you would normally rub it with oil or butter or some such, instead begin layering it with thick, meaty bacon:
Note in the background essential ingredients for any holiday affair- copious amounts of booze and Trader Joe's Belgian chocolates. Keep layering on the bacon until you have covered every exposed surface on the breast. Covering the legs is up to you, but that dark meat kind of makes me sick. When done it should look like this:
If someone in your household isn't at least a little worried by how the turkey looks at this point you haven't done it right. More than likely you skimped on the bacon. Go back and do it again. You'll notice that several lonely bacon soldiers weren't able to make it to the front line. That's ok. You're going to fry those up as normal and eat them as an appetizer while you wait 3 1/2 hours for the damn thing to be done. Take the turkey and put it in the oven. Time and temperture will vary depending on the turkey. Make sure to loosely cover the whole thing with tinfoil for the first 2-3 hours of cooking to avoid burning the bacon. That would be a disaster. Check on it frequently. About 45 minutes before it is done remove the foil. This will allow the bacon to brown nicely. If you like your bacon extra crispy you can even turn up the temperature on the oven.

Take it out of the oven. It will look like this if you did it right:
The bacon will be well cooked and slightly crispy. Note also that the juices from the bacon will have co-mingled with the juices from the turkey in the bottom of the pan. This makes the best gravy you have ever had. The turkey will also be the best you have ever had since the bacon acts like a porky moisture blanket for the bird, making dry turkey a practical impossibility. Serve with anything and tell that member of your household who was doubting you a few hours ago : "Backgammon motherfucker!"

Happy Thanksgiving

For John Dillinger
In hope he is still alive
Thanksgiving Day, November 28, 1986

Thanks for the wild turkey and the Passenger Pigeons, destined to be shit out through wholesome American guts

thanks for a Continent to despoil and poison

thanks for Indians to provide a modicum of challenge and danger

thanks for vast herds of bison to kill and skin, leaving the carcass to rot

thanks for bounties on wolves and coyotes

thanks for the AMERICAN DREAM to vulgarize and falsify until the bare lies shine through

thanks for the KKK, for nigger-killing lawmen feeling their notches, for decent church-going women with their mean, pinched, bitter, evil faces

thanks for "Kill a Queer for Christ" stickers

thanks for laboratory AIDS

thanks for Prohibition and the War Against Drugs

thanks for a country where nobody is allowed to mind his own business

thanks for a nation of finks — yes, thanks for all the memories. all right, let's see your arms. you always were a headache and you always were a bore

thanks for the last and greatest betrayal of the last and greatest of human dreams.

Watch it:

Monday, November 21, 2005

Finance Week

Our readers are a savvy bunch. Sophisticated. Urbane. So we're now offering stock market analysis. "Yahoo Finance" has the largest investing message board, and each week we'll pick a stock to see what info can be learned from the people who post there.
Today's company: Target (TGT).
Price 55.12 / Market Cap: 48.7 billion
Here is what the folks are saying on the Target board:

– This POS is going Down!! Wait till Monday, and we'll see mass Panick Selling, on this one!!!
– Or maybe even "panic" selling you illiterate fuck! This stock has performed admirably for 40 years. Over 160 consecutive quarters of dividends. Yeah, but you know better. How fucking dumb are you?
– Your priest is a fucking asshole and has no clue what he is talking about. Please post specifics about how TGT is anti Christian. I suppose the fact that they donate more money to charities as a % of pre tax profits than any other retailer is not germane?If I were a member of the Catholic church I would keep a low profile. Pope Pious/Hitler, the Inquisition and ,oh yeah fucking little boys. Great tradition.
– Fuck you. Spewing lies, hatred and venom on a Sunday? Yeah you are the quintessential Christina. ONE MORE TIME. Post specifics regarding TGT's anti Christian stance. What total bullshit. Let me guess, you are the product of horseshit parochial schools. Do you like to cornhole boys like your priest? You assholes should mind your own business and fix your chruch, which is in shambles, before you judge perfectly good intitutions like TGT.

There you have it! As we go to press, Target is down 12 cents.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

King Tut Exhibit Vs. Mummy-The Ride

I've been to both the King Tut exhibit at the LA County Museum of Art and Mummy-The Ride at Universal Studios Hollywood. Which should you go to? Let's find out.

1. Line was shorter in King Tut Exhibit. Edge: King Tut.
2. But I went to the King Tut exhibit at some ungodly hour: Maybe 8 am. Edge: Mummy ride.
3. If you show up to Mummy-The Ride between 9:30 am and noon: You get to ride it twice.
4. Gift shops at both were obnoxious, but you're FORCED to walk through the gift shop at King Tut Exhibit. Not so at Mummy. Edge: Mummy: The Ride.
5. Omar Sharif narrates King Tut. He's a backgammon genius, was in the best movie ever, and he hit a guy with a lamp at a restaurant in India. Narration in Mummy: None. Apparently Brendan Fraser refused. Edge: King Tut.
6. Hieroglyphs carved into walls: Both, but FAR better in Mummy-ride.
7. Includes rollercoaster: Both. No wait - only in Mummy the Ride. Edge: Mummy.
8. Allows easy access to collections of Sam Francis and Chuck Close paintings: Both. No wait - Only King Tut.
9. Historical relevance: About equal actually. Nothing you learn at either place will help you get a job. More actual Egyptian gods are mentioned during Mummy-The Ride. Plus, the gods manifest themselves into beetles, rats and locusts - then they attack you. Edge: Mummy.
10. Proximity to actual tar pits: King Tut. Now he knows what it's like to be trapped in tar.
11. Proximity to TWO different Cinnabon stores: Mummy-The Ride.
12. Inexcusable 15 minute delay waiting in line while someone repeatedly announces over loud speakers, "Francis, return to the ride control booth" : Mummy-The Ride. Edge: King Tut.
13. Dozens of Skeletons: Mummy-The Ride. (Plenty of skeletons at the tar pits, but that doesn't count.)
14. Profits from attraction goes to:
  • A. King Tut: Backwards Muslim nation that keeps women from learning to read.
  • B. Mummy-The Ride: Evil multinational corporation owned by GE, who makes weapons with which we bomb backwards Mulsim nations that keep women from learning to read.
Edge: Ehh, call that one a tie...

I'd say go to Mummy: The Ride. Because Cinnabons taste fucking good.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Scientologists set their sites on Los Feliz - And Poor People!

One of my hobbies is finding religious material left for people to pick up, pick it all up, and then deposit it all straight into the rubbish bin.

This morning while walking to work I noticed a flier on a lamp post near my house which was not written in Spanish. You can imagine my surprise. Any flier not written in Spanish is usually to announce a yard sale or to find a lost dog (unless the dog is a chihuahua or a pit bull, in which it's written in Spanish again.)

This one was asking people to report Psychiatry Crimes Against Children. It also mentioned the "Citizens Commision on Human Rights" which is a front for the Scientology cult.

It's widely known that the Scientologists own a huge percentage of the real estate in Hollywood. They set up their e-meters in front of my hot dog stand all the time, and their hollow-headed minions walk about in their salior uniforms with the gleam of sci-fi salvation dancing in their eyes.

But lately they seem to have moved East from Hollywood and into my neighborhoods of Echo Park, Silverlake, and Los Feliz. They bought a nice building next to my preferred liquor mart, Cap'n Cork, and now they're posting fliers! Still, this wasn't in tony Los Feliz, this was on Santa Monica and Vermot - where English comes in 4th in spoken languages after Spanish, Filipno, and Korean. Still, ignore them now, and in no time they'll be collecting pesos from impressionable lottery-ticket buyers. The flier said to report "PSYCH CRIMES" to and to call them at 1-800-607-8174. I suggest you call them often whenever you have a quetion or see Brooke Shields taking Prozac.

Hobos We've Known

I saw a great hobo this morning.

He was black, had a beard, and was wearing a black plastic bag on his head.

Not just any black plastic bag - he had used tape to give the body of the bag structure around his head, and had pulled out a fine looking brim. The top of it was kind of flat, and it gleamed in the sun. In fact, from a distance I thought, "That hobo is wearing a silk top hat!" When I got closer it also reminded me of a stove-pipe hat.

He looked kind of like Abraham Lincoln, and kind of like a 1929 Wall Street millionaire whose fortune had been lost in the stock market crash. Either way, he resembled a true gentleman and brought a bit of class to the bus stop on Western & Hollywood Blvd. this morning.

If I wore a hat, I'd tip it to you good sir!

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Quote of the day

"I have examined all the known superstitions of the word, and I do not find in our particular superstition of Christianity one redeeming feature. They are all alike founded on fables and mythology. Millions of innocent men, women and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined and imprisoned. What has been the effect of this coercion? To make one half the world fools and the other half hypocrites; to support roguery and error all over the earth. Christianity is the most perverted system that ever shone on man."

-Thomas Jefferson

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Proof I live in the Third World - Part 2.

1. Hobos are using the new Ipod posters as blankets.

2. Hunter- gatherers go through the garbage bins in front of my apt. every couple of hours. Twice as often right before garbage day.

3. Police helicopters hover over my neighborhood shining spotlights down onto supposed criminals for hours at a time.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Daily fantasy art

These are a few of my favorite things

Bill O'Reilly sends Al-Qaida to destroy CA town for voting for Democrats!

Bill O'Reilly, sexual harassment boss-of-the-year, gave the big thumbs up to terrorists to come into California and blow up San Francisco.

Sounding surprisingly like Pat Robertson (the man who forces black Africans to work in his gold mines, and who, quite possibly, CUTS OFF THEIR HANDS if they don't find enough gold for him to buy more race horses), O'Reilly said this:

"Listen, citizens of San Francisco, if you vote against military recruiting, you're not going to get another nickel in federal funds. Fine. You want to be your own country? Go right ahead ... And if al-Qaida comes in here and blows you up, we're not going to do anything about it. We're going to say, look, every other place in America is off limits to you, except San Francisco."

Apparently O'Reilly was REALLY upset, like Robertson, with democracy, because the city voted not to let military recruiters work on high school and college campuses. They can still recruit on private Christian school campuses though, which is good, cuz those little bastards love the Crusades, you know? Also, most idiots that join the military are from Texas and Alabama - and tend to be retarded or incredibly poor. This also proves my theory that terrorists take their orders direcly from Bill O'Reilly, at least when he isn't out committing sex crimes.

But this is all good news for one key line: "You want to be your own country? Go right ahead."
Finally. California has no use for the rest of this country.
We're the world's fifth latrgest economy.
We grow all our own vegetables, raise our beef, make our own cheese.
Neiman Ranch makes delicious bacon.
Gilroy makes the best garlic.
We have ravens and parrots that play in palm trees outside my office at this very minute.
We have oceans and mountains and forests.
We make our own wine.
We make our own computers.
We make our own tv shows, pornography, books and movies.
We have an ACTUAL liberal press here.

We're like Australia - but with more brown people, and without anything that can be consdiered a football team.

So uh, good luck to the rest of you. Don't forget to write.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Pat Robertson sends God to destroy PA town for voting for Democrats and science!

As reported here yesterday, people in a Pennysylvania town voted out a slate of eight Republican school board officials that wanted to throw out the scientific basis of biology for the past century (biological evolution) in favor of their Magic Book (God talking about how great slavery and leprosy is). They instead voted in 8 Democrats who decided to actually teach their children something real rather than 2000 year old mythological nonsense.

Now the mighty Thunder-God Pat Robertson has announced that God will no doubt SMITE THE TOWNSPEOPLE MIGHTILY for their blasphemous ways. "I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: if there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just rejected Him from your city."

"And don't wonder why He hasn't helped you when problems begin."

Yes, the poor people of Dover, PA will be alone in the universe without God looking out for them, protecting them from... rogue Amish or whatever dangers happen in Pennsylvania.

Pat Robertson has previously stated that:
Episcopalians and Methodists are the Anti-Christ,
His Prayers keep hurricanes from hitting Virginia,
His prayers have killed Supreme Court Justices so that Bush can appoint more.
Disneyland's acceptance of gays will cause hurricanes, earthquakes, tornadoes, terrorist bombs and "possibly a meteor" to strike Florida.

Robertson also strongly supported ousted Liberian tyrant and war criminal Charles Taylor, becuase Robertson owns a gold mine there worth more than 8 million dollars.

Robertson also owns at least one race horse.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Pennsylvania enters 20th century! (Kansas goes back to 13th century... Texas continues to be sub-human...)

Voters have ejected almost the entire school board that put a form of creationism on the curriculum and caused a court battle that divided America. But the electorate’s verdict in Pennsylvania was returned just as a school board in Kansas voted to introduce criticism of evolution into science lessons.

Eight Republicans on the Dover School Board, which had obliged teachers to read a statement in class explaining intelligent design alongside evolution, were voted out in favour of eight Democrats in one of many local ballots held across the United States on Tuesday.

Mallory Fletcher, an 18-year-old student, told National Public Radio: “These middle-aged men are deciding what we are learning in our classrooms, saying that students are going to love this. But we are the students . . . and we are ashamed.”

Elsewhere, Texans voted against same-sex marriage. Kelly Shackelford, of Texans For Marriage, which supported the ban, said: “Texans know that marriage is between a man and a woman, and children deserve both a mom and a dad.”

Though it wasn't put to a vote, Texas continues to execute retards and children as well.
What a state full of fuckwits.

News Round-up

Nearly every country in the world joined on Tuesday to urge the United States to lift its four-decade old economic embargo against Cuba in a record U.N. General Assembly vote. The vote, held for the 14th consecutive year, was 182 to 4 with 1 abstention on a resolution calling for Washington to lift the U.S. trade, financial and travel embargo, particularly its provisions penalizing foreign firms. The five voting "no" were the United States, Israel, Palau and the Marshall Islands. Micronesia abstained and El Salvador, Iraq, Nicaragua and Morocco did not vote.

At the risk of re-igniting the same heated nationwide debate it sparked six years ago, the Kansas Board of Education approved new public school science standards Tuesday that cast doubt on the theory of evolution. In addition, the board rewrote the definition of science, so that it is no longer limited to the search for natural explanations of phenomena.

A high school student opened fire Tuesday afternoon on a principal and two assistant principals, killing one of the men before a teacher wrestled his weapon away, the sheriff said.

The lawsuit, Strickland vs. Sony, was filed against retailers and publishers of the Grand Theft Auto series. Thompson had previously been representing the case's plaintiffs -- the families of a pair of police officers and a police dispatcher who were murdered by Devin Moore, who claimed that the GTA games helped "train" him to kill. Moore was convicted of the crime and sentenced to death.

A Nobel Prize-winning physicist was sentenced Monday to two years in prison for killing a man and injuring seven other people while going more than 100 mph in his sports car.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Excellent photos of German actors and directors

An ongoing feature that we have not visited for a while, previous installments have focued on:
-Leni Riefenstahl
-Klaus Kinski
-Werner Herzog
-and Udo Kier.

Today we're excited to bring you one of the true auteurs of German corpse-fucking cinema,
Jörg Buttgereit

The image “” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors.The image “” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors.
Jörg is best known for Nekoramtik, Nekormantik 2, and der Todesking, but I prefer his earlier, rawer work, such as Ed Gein Superstar and Frankenstein in Hiroshima.

Giant of the backgammon world in trouble

LOS ANGELES — A Beverly Hills parking attendant has accused 73-year-old "Dr. Zhivago" star Omar Sharif of beating him in a drunken rage and calling him "a stupid Mexican" after the valet refused to accept Euros as payment

Sharif, who was nominated for a 1963 Oscar for his supporting role in "Lawrence of Arabia" and is scheduled to appear in an upcoming miniseries entitled "The Ten Commandments," is no stranger to public displays of temper.

In July 2003, Sharif head-butted a plainclothes French policeman at a casino after screaming insults at a croupier when he lost thousands of dollars on a single roulette bet. He was fined and given a one-month suspended prison sentence.

"It made me the hero of the whole of France," Sharif later told The New Yorker magazine. "To head-butt a cop is the dream of every Frenchman."

A year later, Sharif allegedly hit "Lord of the Rings" actor John Noble in the face with a lamp at a restaurant in India, according to press reports.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Daily fantasy art

my hero.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Things I hate

  • cordless phones
  • cel phones
  • phones that ring
  • phones that play songs
  • people who answer their cel phones
  • people who talk on phones
  • things people say when they're talking on their cel phones
  • the people on the other end of the cel phones, whom I neither see nor hear.
  • my own phone when it rings.
  • people who wave their cel phones at concerts as if they were lighters.
  • people who hold up their cel phones at concerts so their friends can hear the awesome rock & roll show.
  • Thursday, November 03, 2005

    Connery on...

    Taking a stand:

    "My view is that to get anywhere in life you have to be anti-social, otherwise you'll end up being devoured. I've never been particularly social, anyway, but if I've ever been rude, fifty per cent of it has usually been provoked by other people's attitudes. Though I do admit, like most Celts, I'm moody. It's fine until people try to cheer you up with gems like, 'snap out of it' or 'Come on, now'"

    "I am not an Englishman, I was never an Englishman, and I don't ever want to be one. I am a Scotsman! I was a Scotsman and I will always be one."

    "I've been very fortunate and have never had any real problems with people. But I've also had the guts to tell them, 'you're a bore'."

    Thursday Funnies!

    Yesterday's menu

    Breakfast: donut
    Lunch: lamb on pita with tahini
    Dinner: donut

    Wednesday, November 02, 2005


    Some guy has been standing outside my office building for the past three hours now shouting.
    He walks back and forth across Hollywood Blvd. - which is packed - and just shouts things. He really seems to enjoy this block. He's white. Sometimes he's got a shirt - sometimes he doesn't. Sun's down and it's getting cool, so shirt's on: he's no dummy.

    I wonder if things were like this when Field Marshall Ratzinger was in the service

    A U.S. Army chaplain has been sentenced to five years in prison after pleading guilty to three counts of forcible sodomy against enlisted men.Capt. Gregory Arflack, a 44-year-old Roman Catholic priest, apologized at his court-martial in Germany. He sobbed and said, "I've had a lot of time to pray and consider what I've done as a priest and an officer and I'm ashamed."One of the victims, whom Arflack had been counseling about homesickness and family troubles, told the court, "I don't understand how a person of the cloth could do something like that."He added, "I didn't believe God would allow something like that to happen."Arflack confessed to plying three soldiers -- ages 18, 19 and 20 -- with alcohol and making unwanted advances. He forced oral sex on one soldier in the bathroom of a bar and on the other two at his home, where they had passed out on his sofa