Saturday, October 01, 2005

This week The Baroness takes on the moral quandry faced by politicians when indicted by a grand jury

Here at YPMTRGA we know that belief in religion does not equal moral righteousness. That's why we like to check in with The Baroness of COBRA and see how she would react to the moral questions of the day...

Baroness, let's presume that one of your most ruthless allies, a man known as "The Hammer" for his lack of compassion, has run afowl of the law. Now, The Hammer used to be known by a different moniker. Before he rose through the ranks of COBRA he was an insect exterminator and an alcoholic who would drink ""8, 10, 12 martinis a night at receptions and fundraisers". Back then he was known as "Hot Tub Tom," which didn't strike much fear in the hearts of GI Joe. Later, he found God, and like all god-loving christians, set out to make a shit-ton of moolah.

Tom DeLay - er - I mean, The Hammer - had tried to join the fighting ranks of COBRA during Vietnam, but was told ethnic minorities had already filled most of the available positions and there were none left for him.

The Hammer also played a major role in the impeachment of the last member of GI Joe to be president, code name: Snake Eyes. Being a morally upstanding and righteous man, The Hammer took issue not so much with Snake Eyes' deeds, but more with the fact that he had lied while under oath. Much to the embarrasment of The Hammer, it was later revealed that he himself had lied under oath with regard to his still being an officer of afforementioned pest control business after being elected to congress. Oops!

So, the stage is set. The Hammer is now under indictment for felony charges of laundering money to COBRA candidates in Texas elections. Baroness, what would you do in The Hammer's position?

THE FOOLS!!! First I would make a token gesture to lull GI Joe into a false sense of security. Something paltry and ridiculous like temporarily stepping down from my position as head of COBRA intelligence. I would, of course, retain my true position of power as COBRA 3rd in command (damn you Major Bludd). I would also declare my complete and utter innocence, despite the case against me being hard to deny. COBRA!!!!!!! Meanwhile, I would muster the most furious (legal) offensive that my COBRA warchest could summon. I would launch an all out propaganda campaign against the district attorney who had the temerity to try and bring down one so mighty as myself. I would deride him as "sleazy" and dismiss the charges as baseless and politically motivated (despite the fact that he has prosecuted more Joes than members of COBRA). I would do further work behind the scenes, and have the COBRA Commander himself make a statement that I was a "good ally" of the commander and the American people. This disinformation campaign would be sure to sway a weak-minded public, grown efete and bloated, and content to wallow in their own crapulence. Once the case had passed from the public eye it would be easy for me to funnel huge amounts of money into my defence, subvert the legal process, and ultimately return to my position as head of COBRA intelligence. HA! HA! HA! WORSHIP ME!


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