Friday, March 03, 2006

What Would Duke Do?

If Jesus were alive today he'd be terrified of our giant metal birds, our fast shiny magic donkeys, and our lack of beards (except for the hobos). So it's difficult to wonder - really - What Would Jesus Do? Most likely, he'd cower somewhere with his hands clapped over his ears, crying.

So we occasionally pose ethical dilemmas to other moral leaders. In honor of his big day, today we ask Republican Congressman Randy "Duke" Cunningham about public trust and spending the people's money wisely. Oh yeah - and supporting our troops.

Duke - let's say people elected you to a powerful office and you were trusted to spend tax dollars and get re-elected every two years for a couple of decades. It's a lot of power, but you're a good guy. What Would Duke Do?

First of all I'd take a few million dollars in bribes from defense contractors. Fuck those idiots who joined the Army to "fight Osama" or "Avenge 9-11" - You should see ME avenge some beers on the yacht those defense contractors bought for me! And after a day on the waves, I would drive my Rolls-Royce (another bribe) back to my mansion. I like to spend some quiet time in my mansion - Paid for with yet more bribes from defense contractors naturally - Oh you should see it! Filled to bursting with antiques and so priceless rugs and art - why I had to rent extra places to store them all - BECAUSE MY MANSION WASN'T BIG ENOUGH! HA HA HA!!!

What else... I'd prepare a "bribe menu" to save the awkwardness of the defense contractors having to come right out and ASK me if I could be bought. And I'd give the defnse contractors my own Congressional stationery so that they could write out their own memos - then I'd just sign em!

Shit I love America. Oh yeah! Don't forget 9-11! Support the troops, ya hear! Your ol' buddy Duke sure does!"

Thanks Duke. You are a disgrace to us all. I remember those press conferences you had saying you were being hounded by a liberal media for doing nothing wrong, before you pled guilty to conspiracy.

Your sentencing is today, and though you've had prostrate cancer, I hope that doesn't stop anyone from raping you daily for the next ten years in prison.

By the way - the two contractors that Duke sold us out for are ADCS and MZM. Drop in and say hi to them. Tell em Duke sent ya.

Just read that the Dukester got 8 years and 4 months. Here's hoping Duke lives for another 8 years and 3 1/2 months.


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