Monday, July 24, 2006

God Continues to Punish People of Queens and Astoria

The people of Astoria, Queens, despite their propensity for blessing random infants that they pass by, have been taught a cruel, harsh lesson by a vengeful God.
At left, a manhole in Queens, cracking open a portal to hell, burst open, flooding Astoria with demons and providing the only nighttime light its citizens have seen in more than a week.

Finding the root cause of the city's longest blackout in decades isn't proving easy for Con Edison. Some of the cables, which carried much of the burden for Queens, overloaded, again plunging customers back in the dark.

Local Greek Orthodox priests have yet to be asked for their opinion or help in solving the power crisis, but Fr. Kostas Liosatos thinks it's a matter of time before ConEd seeks a more spiritual solution to the blackouts.

Here's the reaction of a typical Astoria resident: "I went to the store to buy everything and stacking it in the refrigerator and the power went out. So the $278 dollars in food stamps are all gone," resident Deborah Doyle said.

As is typical of New Yorkers, Astoria residents are a childlike, helpless people, prone to outbursts of profanity and the wearing of gaudy gold chains, which they believe pleases the Gods.

"Con Ed says they're only gonna give us seven thousand dollars ... I don't think it's fair. I think we deserve more than that. Who's going to pay for our rent?" a Queens business owner said.

The darkness in the town has led to a rapid uprising of cargo cults and messianic movements, whose adherents claim the End Times have arrived. Golden Idols to various Wayans family members can be seen lining Ditmars with worshippers leaving offerings throughout the long night.

"The TV don't work, the VCR don't work ... you can't cook, you can't do nothing especially after week of very bad rain ... there's no light, you don't know what you are doing go crazy," a resident said.


Blogger Penguin said...

What is so sad is that it is so true!

6:01 AM  
Blogger lucky doubles roller said...

Of course the most ungodly astoria residents were spared any interuption of power whatsoever. Primarily through the use of pacts with the devil.

10:20 AM  

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