Like a god-damned Christmas miracle, the Makaka-baiting, Confederate flag waving, good old boy Sen. George Allen revealed that he just discovered that he is actually Jewish! And to admit it on
Rosh Hashanah! Well, praise Jesus!! What a wonderful day!
Like most southern gents (
but not gentiles!) who love the traditions of the Dear Old South and put the Confederate flag all over their office and car, George Allen was born in Whittier California, and attended UCLA. Later he transferred to Virginny where he took up such Southern hobbies as chewin' tabbaccy and hatin' the negroes!
Like most Jewish people, George came from a big family, and his sister Jennifer detailed the fun they used to have in her memoir Fifth Quarter. Jennifer wrote that Allen attacked his younger siblings during his childhood. She claims that Allen held her by her feet over Niagara Falls, struck her boyfriend in the head with a pool cue, threw his brother Bruce through a glass sliding door, tackled his brother Gregory, breaking his collarbone, and dragged Jennifer upstairs by her hair. She wrote, "George hoped someday to become a dentist... George said he saw dentistry as a perfect profession - getting paid to make people suffer."
Like most Jewish people, Allen has displayed the Confederate flag - on himself, his car, inside his home - or expressed his enthusiastic approval of the emblem from approximately 1967 to 2000. Allen wore a Confederate flag pin for his high school senior class photo. In high school, college, and law school, Allen adorned his vehicle with a Confederate flag. In college he displayed a Confederate flag in his room. He displayed a Confederate flag in his family's living room until 1992.
Of course, Sen. Allen was thrilled to learn a few weeks ago that he was one of Chosen People: "I still had a ham sandwich for lunch, and my mother made great pork chops." Mazel Tov Senator Allen! We'll hold a place for you at temple, and have a happy 5767! I'm still writing 5766 on my checks...
More Senator Allen fun here:
He called his football pal "Wizard," but not because they played D&D.