And yet, no metion of cyborg-vampires.

Overheard on my way to work today:

Huge fat kid with long hair:...either a mage, magic-user, cleric, wizard, or necromancer.
Other huge fat kid with long hair: And any of them can cast spells from birth right?
Huge fat kid with long hair: Right. But the one you really want to watch out for is the mage. Those you should just kill right away.
Other huge fat kid with long hair: Well right. Obviously.

Lord smites one of his own (again)

Once again, the lord works in mysterious way:

WACO, Texas (AP) -- A pastor performing a baptism was electrocuted inside his church Sunday morning when he adjusted a nearby microphone while standing in water, a church employee said.

http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/10/31/pastor.electrocuted.ap/index.html

nutrients

What I've drunk in the last 18 hours:
-Wine
-Coffee

What I've eaten in the past 18 hours:
-Candy

Happy Birthday EVERYONE!

Looks like we all have a birthday of sorts today. According to biblical scholar Archbishop James Ussher, on October 28th, 4004BC god created Adam and Eve. Look how far we've come in just 6,000 years.

Things that prove I live in the third world

1. Soiled mattresses are thrown into the street daily.

2. Average number of piles of feces (mostly dog, but still...) to be avoided on any one block near my apt.: Seven.

3. Average number of men I see drinking alcohol while walking to the train stop at 9:30 am: Four.

4. The infant mortality rate is higher than anywhere in Europe except Greece and Spain.

5. Number of times I catch at least a whiff of urine on my way to work: Eight.

6. There is actually a reasonable chance that I will be shot at, or at least threatened with a gun, at some point in my life.

7. My neighbors don't start screaming until well after 2 a.m.

8. Fireworks for any occasion: Halloween, cinqo de septembro, ocho de mayo, pay day, Radiers win...

Cavalcade of German meats and cheeses

Again, it's not bacon, but is largely pork based at least. Best thing about this dish is that they serve it to you on a cutting board and the only utensil you are given is a sharp knife. The greens are purely ornamental. Though they are not all visible in this image, this meal is composed of 7 different meats. Seven! Plus assorted cheeses. The most any meal in the US can manage is 3, or perhaps 4 if you are in New Orleans and eating a turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken stuffed with cajun sausage. And the US is the only superpower? Perhaps we need to update our definition of superpower?

wow.

Movie review: The Devil's Rain

I only saw the last 30 min. of this film this morning, while coughing up half a lung, but wow. It was awful. Yet also …awful.

The scenes I saw featured Tom Skerritt, Eddie Albert, and Ernest Borgnine as the leader of a devil cult.

Then Borngnine turns into a goat-man. Then the borg-goat melts. Then it explodes. Then it crawls from a hole.

Then it turns into a beautiful woman…. Then the beautiful woman hugs Tom Skierritt, then the camera turns to reveal Tom Skerritt hugging…ERNEST BORGNINE! All that in the LAST HALF HOUR!

Wow - now I know why Skerritt was so convincing saying “Kill me now” in Alien. He was thinking of hugging Ernest Borgnine.

Then the credits rolled and it turned out it also starred: William Shatner, John Travolta, Keenan Wynn, Ida Lupino, and ANTON LEVAY!


Ounce for ounce you’d be hard-pressed to find more melting flesh and green-bubbling eye sockets than in this film.

Bonus Points: A church burns down. Then explodes. Take that Jeebus.

Daily fantasy art

Connery on...

Women:

"I like women. I don't understand them, but I like them."

"The world revolves around sex. But that doesn't mean that youngsters should sleep around willy-nilly. I'm all for trial marriages. The wedding of two virgins starts off with a huge handicap."

"I've always loved woman. Blonde, brunette, but preferably foreign. They're more attractive than Britons."

"I met my wife through playing golf. She is French and couldn't speak English and I couldn't speak French, so there was little chance of us getting involved in any boring conversations - that's why we got married really quickly."

Captain Howdy

Now more than ever, the world needs Captain Howdy

Daily bible study

Today we examine the bible's definitive stance on temptation. Bring the noise god:

"Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man." -- James 1:13

"And it came to pass after these things, that God did tempt Abraham..." -- Genesis 22:1

Theocracy Today

“I don’t know that atheists should be considered citizens, nor should they be considered patriots. This is one nation under God.”
-George W. Bush, Free Inquiry magazine, Fall 1988.

Upcoming backgammon tournaments

We seem to have completely neglected one of our favorite topics on the board. Until now. Playing backgammon for money. Here is the list of upcoming tournaments, and commentary. We'll post this regularly of course.

Oct 20........*Third Thursday Bonus (Minnesota Open), Flint, Michigan.810/232-9731 (Alas we already missed this one. Too bad - it was no doubt one of the highlights of the circuit. Flint is of course now 75% Arab. That means the backgammon playing will be at an intense and high level. Hookahs abound no doubt. And we assume a few people who got a little "too lucky" ended up with a scimitars at their throats.)

Oct 22........*Atlanta Fall Mini-Blitz, Mazzy's, Roswell, Georgia.....770/333-1876 (This one should be fairly easy pickings. It's Georgia after all. Any similarities between NASCAR racing and backgammon are strictly coninidental, and we highly recommend making it down there to take some money from the rubes.)

Oct 22........*BG By the Bay, Britannia Arms, Cupertino, California...831/688-9722 (aha, Apple money will be in full force. We assume that 90% of serious American backgammon players also use Apples; and that this will be one of the best played tourneys on the circuit. Betting here might get you APPL stock or a video ipod. ...though we do know one guy who used to work for Apple. And he's actually a prick. But we assume he also got fired. Possibly for being such a prick.)

Oct 23........*Flint Club Championships, Holiday Inn, Flint, Michigan.810/232-9731 (see above. High quality playing. Beautiful boards too we bet. Bring scimitars. And grow a beard to fit in.)

OCT 28-30.. ..*ABT: MINNESOTA OPEN, MYSTIC LAKE CASINO, PRIOR LAKE,MN.651/699-6758 (Is this near Lake Woebegone? If so, stay away. That guy keeps us from giving a cent to NPR. )

Nov 1.........*Arizona Monthly, Rosie McCaffrey's Pub, Phoenix, AZ....602/279-0215 (Hmm - Phoenix means old people. And old people often = poor gambling skills. If you have nothing against fleecing the elderly, we recommend you make the trip. They're probably playing 70s style gammon anyway - way too much on the defense.)

Connery on...

We asked Sean Connery if he would like to pen an installment of What Would Sean Connery do, but recieved a rather non-plussed response:

"What! Play second fiddle to that leather-faced has-been Roger Moore? Do you take me for some kind of fool? I'd rather prance around Piccadilly Circus in Ursula Andrews' knickers (which I once did, by the way)! I'll tell you what I will do though. I'll talk, and you'll listen. You hear me loud and clear?"

Thus, another new daily feature. Pearls of wisdom from the mind of Mr. Connery. Today, Connery on...

Getting what's due you.

"I admit I'm being paid well, but it's no more than I deserve. After all, I've been screwed more times than a hooker."

"There's nothing I like better than a film that really works, provided you don't have to deal with all the shit that comes afterwards in terms of getting what you're entitled to."

"I have a great respect for money. I know how hard it is to earn and keep, especially with our diabolical taxes in Britain. I never get over the fact that sometimes I see more money being paid for a meal than my father earned in a week."

Next time, Connery on...broads.

School-board's efforts to undo 150 years of scientific thought won't die without a fight

Myth-based ad-hoc story telling takes a beating in PA:

HARRISBURG, Pa., Oct. 18 - A leading architect of the intelligent-design movement defended his ideas in a federal courtroom on Tuesday and acknowledged that under his definition of a scientific theory, astrology would fit as neatly as intelligent design...

The cross-examination of Professor Behe on Tuesday made it clear that intelligent-design proponents do not necessarily share the same definition of their own theory. Eric Rothschild, a lawyer representing the parents suing the school board, projected an excerpt from the "Pandas" textbook that said:

"Intelligent design means that various forms of life began abruptly through an intelligent agency with their distinctive features already intact, fish with fins and scales, birds with feathers, beaks and wings, etc."

In that definition, Mr. Rothschild asked, couldn't the words "intelligent design" be replaced by "creationism" and still make sense? Professor Behe responded that that excerpt from the textbook was "somewhat problematic," and that it was not consistent with his definition of intelligent design.

Mr. Rothschild asked Professor Behe why then he had not objected to the passage since he was among the scientists who was listed as a reviewer of the book. Professor Behe said that although he had reviewed the textbook, he had reviewed only the section he himself had written, on blood clotting. Pressed further, he agreed that it was "not typical" for critical reviewers of scientific textbooks to review their own work.

In a related story, Ashton Kucher gave the director's cut DVD of "Dude, where's my car?" two big thumbs up and George Lucas awarded himself an Oscar for lifetime achievement.

However, in a dazzling display of were-you-not-listening-at-all-you-fuckwit-ishness, a school board member said he found Professor Behe's testimony reaffirming. "Doesn't it sound like he knows what he's talking about?" said the Rev. Ed Rowand, a board member and church pastor.

The whole sorry story:
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/10/19/national/19evolution.html

Daily fantasy art

German bacon

OK, so this isn't really bacon, but who cares. We don't discriminate here. Fuck you, you racist. It's a pork knuckle that has been smoked and then sublimely roasted in an obscenely hot oven. The meat was surprisingly tender, given that it had been smoked, and also very flavorful. Slighy honey taste, with aromas of firewood and bacon. Plus, there was a lot of it. However, the best part was the skin. Oh man, the skin. Where do I begin? First off, the outer layer of the skin was incredibly crispy. Almost brittle. To the point that it practically crackled in your mouth. But there was more to the skin than that. Underneath the crispy outer layer was a firm, slight chewy stratum imbued with an intense salty taste. Kind of like The fatty part of well cooked bacon. The n, below this layer was a softer fatty bit, but which was without the rubbery texture of normal fat. It was actually kind of creamy, again with a strong salt-pork taste. When these three skin layers were combined with the meat itself the one-two punch was nigh unbeatable. It's traditionally served with a black beer sauce, but I said "Nein" so as to enjoy the pork unadulterated. Wow. That'll do pig, that'll do.

Thursday Funnies!

Daily fantasy art

ART!!!

Daily bible verse

Today we examine the scriptures to find out god's stance on dick chopping. Preach it brother:

"This is my covenant, which ye shall keep, between me and you and thy seed after thee; Every man child among you shall be circumcised." -- Genesis 17:10

"...if ye be circumcised, Christ shall profit you nothing." -- Galatians 5:2

Best to cover all the bases and just get a little off the top.

More cuisine of Germany

OK, so the UK and Ireland pretty much have the whole excessive breakfast thing sewn up. Fried eggs, fried tomatos, fried bacon, fried mushrooms, fried sausage, fried chips, fried black pudding, fried white pudding, fried bread, and beans. However, the krauts don't like to be outdone in any field, so they have cleverly taken the English breakfast and turned it on its head. Eggy-wegs? Check. Chips? Check. Beans? Check.Bacon? In spades. Breakfast? Nein, mein freund! This culinary masterpiece is served for dinner (or late-night snack) in a smokey bar with a side of pilsner. Well done my friends. You truly are the master race...of bacon.



Stay tuned all this week for a cavalcade of bacon, courtesy of the Hun.

What Would Roger Moore and Alec Guinness Do?

Trying to live your life by asking what Jesus would do in moral situations will just get you cowering in the street (Jesus – who lived 2000 years ago would be terrified by cars, unable to understand commerce, illiterate, etc. His mind would snap before you even explained the situation to him. At best he could offer antiquated advice on making repairs to your barn.)

So today we’ll ask birthday-boy Roger Moore and deceased actor (Jesus is dead too) Sir Alec Guinness what they’d do in the following conundrum. Please note, we are asking the actors themselves: Not the characters they played.

W.W.R.M.& A.G.D.?

CHINA: GUNMAN WOUNDS 16 IN SCHOOLYARD ATTACK: A middle-aged man with three homemade guns packed with gunpowder and shrapnel shot and wounded 16 children as they were doing their morning exercises at a primary school in eastern Anhui Province, the New China News Agency said. Two adults who tried to stop the shooting were also wounded. The gunman escaped. There have been a series of recent attacks on schools and schoolchildren around China.

RM: Oh dear. That sounds rather extreme.
AG: Frightfully so.
RM: …
AG: Tea?
RM: Please.

Good architect dies.

Now that we've reached our 30s, much of our time is spent reading the obits, hoping for our enemies and rich relatives to die. Turns out a good guy died: E. Stewart Williams, a Palm Springs architect who reflected a love of modernism and the desert in houses and buildings that became landmarks of midcentury style, has died. He was 95. Williams helped define an aesthetic that embraced the informality of Palm Springs and stressed clean lines, indoor-outdoor living, and the use of glass and other artificial and natural materials. "His modernism took the international style and warmed it up," said Peter Moruzzi, an architectural historian. "Stewart combined contemporary or modern with natural materials in a very sublime way," Moruzzi said. The bookends of Williams' five-decade career are among his best-known works. His first commission in Palm Springs was a house for Frank Sinatra in 1947. Half a century later, he came out of retirement to renovate and expand the Palm Springs Desert Museum, which he had designed in the 1970s.

"Blow em all away - in the name of the lord." - Jerry Falwell, CNN.

Fallwell by the way: What a pig-raping piece of shit he is.

Also, Jews and Muslims are both celebrating holidays this week. At the same time! Shouldn't someone have tried to schedule around that? And great holidays by the way: They all are supposed to think about their sins. No Jack O Lanterns or Bunnies or even planting trees.

Biblical quote of the day

Since our daily and weekly features have proven so popular we introduce a new one today. Every day we will offer a set of quotes demonstrating the infallibility and consistency of the good book. Today we present a lesson on the might and indominatability of the good lord:

"... with God all things are possible." -- Matthew 19:26

"...The LORD was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron." -- Judges 1:19

uh-oh. Looks like the lord has trouble with horse drawn conveyences made of base metals. Next time we'll see how he deals with temptation. Stay tuned.

What Would Ernest Borgnine Do?

A huge earthquake has hit Pakistan. Tens of thousands are dead, many more injured and homeless: W.W.E.B.D.?

"I had a horse in Mexico one time that I rode. He was just bones when I got him. I started feeding him bread and everything else. I called him Bimbo after the bread down there. "Here Bimbo," and he'd come running. He knew me, God bless him. I often wondered what happened to him. "

You are President of the U.S. You have been elected one a half times. Now two of your closest strategists are about to be indicted on conspiracy charges for misleading the FBI on leaking the name of an undercover CIA agent as retaliation for uncovering lies about going to war with another country: W.W.E.B.D.?

"Oh, come on! You've got two scientific wizards here who could figure out the computers, and possibly even reprogram the robots. And the three of us can handle Reinhart and that pet monster of his. I tell ya... we could all be heroes. !" (The Black Hole)

Heroes indeed, Mr. Borgnine... heroes indeed.

Tax all religions now.

Hitchens on Meiers from Slate: There is simply no point in asking an active member of the Valley View Christian Church of North Dallas what she "thinks" about abortion or creationism, because, although the Bible often recommends actual infanticide—and is thus open to "interpretation"—this congregation's view of Roe v. Wade is well-known and also because the Valley View Christian Church of North Dallas has allowed itself the discovery that the Bible is "the only infallible, inspired, authoritative Word of God." (You have to love that broad-minded "only." As if there were some rival claimant for that distinction that had been weighed in the balance in North Dallas and found wanting.)

Either Miers takes her faith seriously, in which case it must be her life's mission to redeem those who have not accepted Jesus as their savior, or she does not, in which case she is a vapid and posturing hypocrite. And either she is nominated in order to gratify a political constituency, whose leaders such as James Dobson of Focus on the Family seem to have had advance notice, or she is not, in which case the president could see no further than his own kitchen Cabinet in searching for merit. So, the whole exercise is a disgusting insult.

Thursday Funnies!

Quote of the week

''It is absolutely safe to say that if you meet somebody who claims not to believe in evolution, that person is ignorant, stupid, or insane."

-Richard Dawkins

Daily fastasy art

5,000 years ago man tamed the wild beasts that roamed the lands.

Bush names bank teller he met once as new Chairman of the Federal Reserve Bank

"I have peered into the deepest recesses of her heart. I have listened to her soul as she prays to her gods," said President Bush, echoing the means by which he now chooses all candidates and appointees.

The woman, Lee-Ann Beverly, has been a bank teller for 17 years in the Houston suburb of Riddleyton and Mr Bush went in there a few times during his drinking days when he ran out of "paper dollars." She'll replace Alan Greenspan in January.

Lee-Ann has had 4 children; two are preachers. One has been in a coma for 12 years as a result of a snake-handling incident at a local church. The fourth died from whooping cough as a toddler because Beverly does not believe god intended humans to be vaccinated.

Bush says that Beverly is easily the most qualified person to steer the U.S. economy, which affects every economy of the world, because "She believes in taking monetary policy directly from the dreams that god sends to her every night. That's neat."

Autumn Colors in Los Angeles

One down, 449,999 to go

Reservist Says He Burned Down Church To Get Back At God

http://www.newsnet5.com/news/5054769/detail.html

Mission Accomplished.

Bigfoot and a Half: The Early Years

Cuisine of Germany

As I'm currently residing in the fatherland I thought I'd do a culinary overview of Deutschland. For example, my menu from today:

Breakfast:
-Cups of espresso:4

Lunch:
-Cups of espresso:2

Dinner
-Frozen pizzas:1

Special Tom Delay issue of Daily Fantasy Art

In order to get our Tom Delay prison fund-drive off to a flying start, today's Daily Fantasy Art is the highly homoerotic "Hawkman's Huge Package". Hopefully this will get all the anal rapists out there fired up and ready to claim some prize money.


"Terri Schiavo is not brain-dead; she talks and she laughs, and she expresses happiness and discomfort. Terri Schiavo is not on life support."- Tom DeLay, March 20, 2005

Please give to the TOM DELAY PRISON CHARITY!

We have decided that it's time to start raising funds for the Tom DeLay trial. Maybe these funds will never be used, but in case Tom DeLay is sent to prison, we've decided it would be a good idea to start raising money now.

I guarantee that every dollar we raise will be used for the TOM DELAY PRISON charity. Yes, we will pay any prisoner to sodomize Tom DeLay while he is in prison. The first person to rape DeLay in prison will get 30% of the charity's fund. The next anal rape of Tom DeLay will get 20%, then an additional 10% for the next five anal rapes of Tom DeLay.

If you happen to be Tom DeLay's cellmate in prison, you could easily get the whole 100% of the funds of TOM DELAY PRISON charity in a day or so, depending on what your fluid intake is, and if you don't have a headache.

We'll soon have all the necessary rules in place for providing proof of the anal rape of Tom DeLay so that you can claim the prize money I mean bounty, I mean CHARITY MONEY. But for now, please give generously, and help spread the word of this worthwhile cause.

Also, please do not let the fact that you are NOT in prison discouarge you. People get anally raped every day who AREN'T in prison:
If you see Tom DeLay, don't delay! Rape him today!

Hammer him good.
Thank you, and God Bless America.

This week The Baroness takes on the moral quandry faced by politicians when indicted by a grand jury

Here at YPMTRGA we know that belief in religion does not equal moral righteousness. That's why we like to check in with The Baroness of COBRA and see how she would react to the moral questions of the day...

Baroness, let's presume that one of your most ruthless allies, a man known as "The Hammer" for his lack of compassion, has run afowl of the law. Now, The Hammer used to be known by a different moniker. Before he rose through the ranks of COBRA he was an insect exterminator and an alcoholic who would drink ""8, 10, 12 martinis a night at receptions and fundraisers". Back then he was known as "Hot Tub Tom," which didn't strike much fear in the hearts of GI Joe. Later, he found God, and like all god-loving christians, set out to make a shit-ton of moolah.

Tom DeLay - er - I mean, The Hammer - had tried to join the fighting ranks of COBRA during Vietnam, but was told ethnic minorities had already filled most of the available positions and there were none left for him.

The Hammer also played a major role in the impeachment of the last member of GI Joe to be president, code name: Snake Eyes. Being a morally upstanding and righteous man, The Hammer took issue not so much with Snake Eyes' deeds, but more with the fact that he had lied while under oath. Much to the embarrasment of The Hammer, it was later revealed that he himself had lied under oath with regard to his still being an officer of afforementioned pest control business after being elected to congress. Oops!

So, the stage is set. The Hammer is now under indictment for felony charges of laundering money to COBRA candidates in Texas elections. Baroness, what would you do in The Hammer's position?

THE FOOLS!!! First I would make a token gesture to lull GI Joe into a false sense of security. Something paltry and ridiculous like temporarily stepping down from my position as head of COBRA intelligence. I would, of course, retain my true position of power as COBRA 3rd in command (damn you Major Bludd). I would also declare my complete and utter innocence, despite the case against me being hard to deny. COBRA!!!!!!! Meanwhile, I would muster the most furious (legal) offensive that my COBRA warchest could summon. I would launch an all out propaganda campaign against the district attorney who had the temerity to try and bring down one so mighty as myself. I would deride him as "sleazy" and dismiss the charges as baseless and politically motivated (despite the fact that he has prosecuted more Joes than members of COBRA). I would do further work behind the scenes, and have the COBRA Commander himself make a statement that I was a "good ally" of the commander and the American people. This disinformation campaign would be sure to sway a weak-minded public, grown efete and bloated, and content to wallow in their own crapulence. Once the case had passed from the public eye it would be easy for me to funnel huge amounts of money into my defence, subvert the legal process, and ultimately return to my position as head of COBRA intelligence. HA! HA! HA! WORSHIP ME!

Thursday Funnies!

Great Moments in Religious Thought and Practice

All Christians should shun science...Or burn in hell.
God and Smallpox By Herb Silverman "If God had decreed from all eternity that a certain person should die of smallpox, it would be a frightful sin to avoid and annul that decree by the trick of vaccination." So said Timothy Dwight, President of Yale University. He was President of Yale from 1795 to 1817, and spoke passionately against the new medical invention developed by Edward Jenner called vaccination.

At the time, this was not considered a particularly extremist view. Vaccination and inoculation, though highly successful, were condemned by Protestant and Catholic leaders alike. Edward Massey, an English theologian, published a thesis in 1772 entitled "The Dangerous and Sinful Practice of Inoculation." In Boston, clergymen and devout physicians formed an Anti-vaccination Society, declaring that "the law of God prohibits the practice." Some even proposed that those who gave inoculations should be tried for attempted murder.

In this age of Bioterrorism, we can no longer feel safe from smallpox, a disfiguring and deadly disease that we thought had been eradicated. Yet we can still reflect on the humanistic strides we have made. Even fundamentalists like Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson do not speak against thwarting God's will through the sin of inoculation. Science and humanism are winning, though not as rapidly as we would like to see.

I don't know if fundamentalism will be around 200 years from now. But if it is, I expect the never-changing word of God will continue to undergo significant changes. Scientific discoveries and humanistic practices will be incorporated (kicking and screaming, perhaps) into a theological worldview. Fundamentalists today do not say that God changed His mind and no longer supports slavery or condemns medical interventions that can save lives. They simply find interpretations of their holy book that are the opposite of those accepted by previous generations. It isn't hard to do. One need only focus on a particular verse and ignore a contradictory verse elsewhere.